Sierra's Blurbs

You make all things work together for my good.

2011-01-25T23:03:00.002-05:00

Before I can even begin to write a blog you should know this: I just sneezed and instead of snot exiting my nose, there was an earthquake inside my brain. Like, the sneeze just stayed in my nose and made my entire skull vibrate. It's a phenomenon I hope to never repeat. Terrifying.

But seriously, I think it's time to announce the good news: I got a job today as a bank teller! Well technically I received "the call" yesterday. Now, I know my last post talked about my dream job as a residential house parent. And really, working with this group of kids is truly where my heart is. However, after a lot of prayer and list making, I decided to make the move to Barberton, Ohio to live with my family official. That's right. I'm regressing to pre-college dependent Sierra. Fret not, I'll be independent as soon as financially possible.

Leaving Tennessee was one of the hardest choices I've ever made. I was part of a sisterhood that carried me through some of the roughest days of my life so far. I created friendships that developed into future bridesmaids. I ate A LOT of ice cream, japanese, and tacos. I went on dates and had failed romances. I ran a half-marathon with my freshman roommate, who is also my best friend. I discovered the power of leggings and boots, as opposed to actually wearing pants. I white-water rafted, cliff jumped, bungee jumped, and watched multiple meteor showers from the top of a mountain. It's safe to say Southeast Tennessee stole a piece of my heart.

Despite how much I loved this place, after (more) prayer I knew it was time to let it go. At least for now. Leaving behind friendships that seem too short and the beauty of a southern fall. As I was driving through the countryside in Cleveland, TN, I looked up at the moon to just admire how crazy bright it was. Immediately, I saw the mountain that was silhouetted by the moon's light; the same mountain I'd driven up for hikes, meteor showers, dates, and long talks with friends. I began to cry. I could feel my heart breaking.

At this point I stopped my car in the middle of the curvy, mountain road and just stood next to "Peggy" (my minivan) and admired God's work. It was easily one of the most breathtaking moments of my life. It's a moment that will forever be stored in my memory photo-album. Of course, I continued to cry. I wish I could give justice to this moment but I think what made it so impactful was God's gift of true, unaltered beauty to me. In that instant, I forgot every task I had ahead of me as I moved and remembered the incredible times I had in this place. On top of this, I remembered His consistency during some of the most inconsistent times of my life.

Climbing back into my van, I had a moment of doubt. I didn't even have a job in Ohio! How could I leave somewhere I love so much? How could I leave people who had become closer than my family had ever been to accepting and understanding the real me? Just HOW God? How could God expect me to do something that hurt so much?

Then I remembered that all God was asking for was trust. So, weepy Sierra began repeating the mantra of, "okay, I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you." over and over and over again.

Two days later, I've arrived home and began settling into my new quarters. I'm sharing a room with my 19 year old (still in college) sister and preparing myself for life in Northeast Ohio. I've decided to get reinvolved in my home church (or find a new one that suits new, progressive, hippie religious sierra- aka all you need is love-- it's faith not works, yall.) and begin volunteering at a youth center for at-risk youth in Akron. The same youth center I attended on Thursdays nights when I was in middle school. Also, grad school plans are back on for the fall too! And, I've been offered a job. It's all coming together. Thanks to trust.

And if you could be lost you’d find yourself at home

2011-01-11T00:50:00.003-05:00

Today I had to survive the facebook attack of snow and friend filled fun in the Southeast. That's right... the second snowstorm of the year hit Cleveland, TN and a majority of my friends are snowed-in with each other. I, on the other hand, have been basking in the snow of NE Ohio for the last 3 weeks. I'm not complaining, I freaking love snow. It's the only thing bringing me back to the North eventually (sorry family). I'm just over the gross, slushy, brown snow that has been created by cars on the roads. If it stayed sparkly and clean we'd have a deal.

How do people survive growing up? I'm really attempting not to be a whiny girl, but I'm finding this to be a legitimate complaint. I rarely get homesick but I'm so "schoolsick" it is ridiculous. On the brighter side, I did get multiple convos with my amazing friends in Tennessee today. That made the sting of being far away feel less acute. The problem is I love learning. I've always been in school and writing papers. I don't know how I'm going to make this transition to working instead of learning. Maybe someday I'll make a career out of academics. Until then, it's off to the job search races.

I've officially had 3 job interviews over the phone this week! Progress is being made. Despite how cool it'd be to get a grown up job right out of college, I'm secretly hoping that everything works out for this residential internship I've applied for. It pays next to nothing but I'll get to spend all my time working with kids that are neglected, abused, and/or HIV+. If you know anything about me, you know this is my dream job. My one goal in life is to simply love someone who has never experienced it and I may actually get the chance to do that. It would involve me moving even farther from my family and friends than I already am but I'm ready. I'm trying not to get too excited until I have a start date from the organization, but I'm beyond excited. Now they just need to tell me when I'd start so I can plan accordingly. There is a life to be packed and moved from Tennessee and these things just don't happen overnight.

I'm ready to start new and do something that is completely mine. I've faced opposition from my grandfather at the possibility of moving away again. So much so that he gave me the classifieds from the Akron Beacon Journal with suitable job opportunities circled. Not to mention his constant promotion of the Nursing industry... Clearly he doesn't realize that I have no interest in bed pans, scrubs, and assisting doctors in probe insertion. No thank you. It's kind of invigorating, this whole going somewhere completely unfamiliar and the uncertainty of what I'll meet there.

Now Playing- Young the Giant. If you have not heard this band, and you like the sounds of Phoenix (minus the electronic stuff), I can guarantee you will probably love them. I'm obsessed.

In other news, engagements are running rampant among my friends. Beware of they hype of the holiday season (which I extend to that wretched 2nd week in february). I know this may be hard to believe for many but an engagement isn't just the next step in a relationship. It is the decision to get married. So if you aren't ready for marriage, don't bother asking the question. And if you're just anxious to have sex (for all those conservative fundamentalists out there-- sorry but the stereotype fits here), just go for it... or don't. But don't use marriage as an excuse to get laid because your marriage will suck. **stepping off soapbox**

Job Status: still searching but possibilities are present.
5k training: 2 miles at a 12 min/mi pace. I will overcome.
Grad School status: possibly postponing for a year... we shall see.
Location: Barberton, Ohio for now. But maybe I'll be calling somewhere in the West home soon :)

cabin fever setting in.

2011-01-03T00:42:00.004-05:00

I have officially spent more time in my living room than outside of it. If you think I'm exaggerating, think again. I'm pretty sure there is a semi-permanent imprint of my behind on my favorite couch cushion on our sorta new living room furniture set. Not to mention the 3 or 4 lbs I have surely put on over the holiday season to create a lasting impression. Oh the joys of being home for the holidays.

I just graduated from college on December 11th. I have no job and a lease in Tennessee until May. Add my AT&T bill each month (yes, the iPhone is necessary) and you have one broke A** Sierra.

So the dilemma I now face: to move home or not to move home (home being akron, ohio where my entire family lives--with the exception of one aunt in florda). Naturally, I've already created a pros and cons list, with free food at home being a major mitigating factor. I'm no closer to making a decision but I am closer to caring less each day. I'm just taking life one day at a time.

Of course, I'm applying for jobs each and every day in ohio, tennessee, massachusetts, new york... east coast, west coast... I even contemplated alaska for a second. I know desperation really isn't an attractive quality in a woman. Heck it isn't attractive in a man either. That said, it's not that I'm desperate for a job. I just want to DO something. Even if it means being a janitor at the elementary school my sister attends (which is conveniently located across the street from my Dad's house), I would do it. Okay, that may be stretching it a little far considering how I am not a huge fan of cleaning up after vom-ing children... but I think my point is made. In the mean time I've decided to accept the fact that I'm here in Ohio for now and that's okay. I get to spend time with my family, utilize that YMCA membership, DVR to my hearts content, keep up with my teams via SportsCenter and all our other sports channels (including the Big Ten Network!), and get plugged in to the running scene here in Akron.

That's right! tomorrow after my morning workout at the Y with my sister and subsequent eye exam (meaning I get new glasses! joy!) I'll be venturing to a specialty running store near downtown Akron to buy a new pair of shoes as I train for another half marathon. I haven't decided which one I'll run but there's countless opportunities to run once spring hits the North and if I'm stuck here I may as well work toward something substantial.

With all the uncertainty of my life aside, I can truly say it's been a long time since I have felt this content. I don't have a full life plan and I'm forced to take it a day at a time. It's a new concept for me but is proving to be rewarding. I'm simply happy and I love that. At the center of that contentment, I'm sure, is my relationship with God. He's proving to be steadfast as always and His consistency is the only thing keeping me sane right now. thank goodness.

Job Status: still searching. apathy threatening.
1/2 marathon training: Jan 3rd begins 5k training. Goal: 10 min/mi and a 5k time under 30 mins or less
Grad School status: applications started at Ohio State, Fordham, Boston U, and Case Western
Housing status: currently residing on the couch adjacent to the christmas tree. Hoping to upgrade to a room, somewhere (anywhere).

One day at a time...

2010-12-27T01:58:00.005-05:00

Congratulations to me! I have completed the first step to becoming a grown up: Graduating from COLLEGE. That's right. I've got that B.A. degree (quite fitting if i do say so myself) and I'm ready to take on the world. With that comes the reality that I have absolutely no idea where I will be going from here. I can go anywhere, and do anything. Well, not anything because there's only so much you can do with a degree in psychology and a certification in NOTHING. Alas, it's a refreshing feeling to not have a plan for once. So my next series for this blog will be exploring my options as a recently hatched adult.

I'll start with the wretched evil called Job Hunting. That whore we are all cheating on our hobbies and friends with. With unemployment rates at an all-time high, I probably should've chosen to just stay in college for another 10 years or so... You know, to let the economy balance back out. Luckily for me there is no shortage in kids that need social workers/case workers (sad truth). Unfortunately for me, most of those positions require a Master's degree. I knew school would come tap me on the shoulder and remind me that it will always be there to take more money from me and accept more student loan debt accumulating on my credit report.

I've applied for MANY jobs. I say many because I don't want to depress myself with the lack of responses I have had in the last two weeks. BUT fret not, I did receive a rejection. The first rejection of my life. This is a concept I'm going to need to get used to because I've never had to face it head on. I've never been picked last in kickball. I've always made the team and got the office in a club that I wanted. And I never tried something I completely failed at. I'm leaving singing out of this because I can mimic pitches, so I'm sure I can sing somewhere deep, deep down in my subconscious. Speaking of subconscious, I had a dream the other night that I was fluent in ASL... too bad Dream Sierra thought the sign for "fine" was "I'm sorry"... but the dream deaf person I was signing to seemed to understand what I was saying... that's neither here nor there.

After rejection 1, I expected them to come rolling in by the email box full. I've received exactly 0 emails. So tomorrow begins the calls to human resource offices, hiring managers, and grandmothers when I need encouragement to keep going. Wish me luck, but not too much because then I may actually have to decide between two jobs and we all know that I am incapable to making a decision when faced with the opportunity.

Proverbs 3:5-6. My mantra for these next few months. Lord, be with me... A LOT.

viewing home through mud-tinted glasses

2010-07-28T00:26:00.004-04:00

Last Friday I made the 8.5 hour drive from Cleveland, TN to Akron, OH to spend two weeks with my family and friends back home. Since I've been here I've spent every single day with my 8 year-old sister. Now, I love my sister. Really, I do. But I'm exhausted and need to spend time with real adults. Not pint-sized ones with unusually large vocabularies.

I guess I forgot that I abandoned my life here to begin a new one in Tennessee. Result: I don't have many friends here that I would hang out with regularly and the ones I do have are married. Bonk. I've spent the last few years seeing this place as being one of great memories and the place I escaped from. I was never looking back because there was no future there.

Now I'm seeing that I might've been wrong.

Which made me realize that coming home after graduation is the same as going anywhere. I'll be starting over. I'll have to make new friends again. Ones that share interests that I've developed in college. I'll have to meet new guys. Ones that share my values and faith (instead of the ones that are just a bunch of trouble/baggage). I thought coming home would be taking steps backward but in reality it's up to me which direction I want to take.

Home isn't the exciting and fun place that it was when I was in high school. I'm not overloaded with school/sports/music and thus I have way too much free time on my hands. The best part is this is something I would've faced anywhere. I'm not saying I'm committing to coming home after graduation in december. But i'm no longer going to consider ohio "home" because in actuality it isn't. Tennessee has become home and Ohio is just somewhere I grew up. If ohio wins out on the pros/cons list I may find myself here in a few months. And if it doesn't I'll be okay with that. I know who I am and I know that wherever I go, I won't be settling for the easy way out. And now I realize that ohio isn't necessarily the easy solution. In fact it may be tougher than others because I no longer fit in a place that I used to own.

On the plus side, I'm visiting some friends tomorrow afternoon and thursday night, and I'm spending time with one of my besties and her husband on friday. things are looking up for this bored chick.

Bleached socks

2010-07-13T19:04:00.003-04:00

Today I was reminded of a father's love.

I look to my dad every time I have a problem. The other day while doing laundry I realized my socks looked disgusting. So I decided to bleach them. One problem: I've never bleached anything. In my life. (Well besides my white Nikes... but you know a girl ain't tryin to scuff up her white shoes right?) So naturally, I called Dad. The next day, he texted to check up on how my socks turned out.

I read Jonathan and Melissa Helser's blog entitled "Your thoughts define me" and the story he told about his little girl completely touched my heart. They're in my follow list. Check it out. I was literally moved to tears. A pretty inconvenient situation to be in while sitting at a secretary desk at my job.

This blog made me examine my relationship with my Dad. Or as I prefer to call him, my "Padre."

First off, the man let's me call him Padre. I mean really? A lot of kids have nicknames for their dad. Unfortunately for mine, he didn't get this nickname until I was 16. So now he gets to have it forever. I'll never outgrow it :)

I met my Dad when I was 6 years old. That's when my mom finally introduced us to her boyfriend, Duke. Even after they'd married, I refused to call "Duke" my dad. It literally took years before he gained my trust. You see, I'd been hurt by men who pretended to be father figures in the past. They'd come into our life and then just disappear from it. So I began to immediately reject them before they could reject me. My dad though, he refused to reject me. I would hate him and he would just love me.

Not only did he love me when I turned from him, but he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. And I wanted to do everything. He let me practice my violin for hours and to this day swears I didn't sound terrible. (I'm not buying it) He played catch with me for hours in the middle of our street when I was learning to play softball. He convinced me I could do anything I wanted, despite what others said. I had coaches who said I would never be good enough to start a game. My dad helped me prove them wrong. And yet, I would curse him and hate him when I got upset.

And yet, despite how much I could despise him sometimes, I still looked to him before anyone else for affirmation. My dad was the one with whom I wanted to share my accomplishments first. My dad was the one who would brag on me and my siblings anytime we did anything right. Even better than that, my dad has never talked bad about us to others. I would make a huge mistake and disappoint him so much, yet I never heard him talk bad about me or my siblings. While others would focus on my sister's weight, or my brother's drug use, my dad would tell them about my sister's willingness to do anything for anyone and my brother's hilarious sense of humor.

My dad amazes me. And he swears I amaze him. My dad encourages me. He says his kids are the encouragement for him. My dad affirms me. He gets embarrassed when we tell him how great he is.

Living 600 miles from home I sometimes feel forgotten. I have this need to be needed. Anytime I do something good, I immediately call Dad to tell him. I need to hear him say how good I've been. At 22, I still need my dad to tell me that I'm doing good and that he's proud. It's funny that I feel this way considering how I outright rejected him 14 years ago.

And yet, my Dad is 100% human. He makes huge mistakes. He disappoints me sometimes. He loses his temper.

As I sit here and think about it, I'm struck with a really awesome realization. I guess I never really thought about it, but I'm confident it was my earthly father's love that made accepting God's love easy.

My Dad never required me to change in order for him to accept me. God accepted me when I rejected him and avoided him for years. My dad was an example of God's love and was placed in my life so that when I finally accepted salvation, I would be able to trust God to love me unconditionally.

Similar to my relationship with Padre, I keep finding myself running to God for affirmation when I do something good. When I read a book that challenges me spiritually or spend time in the Word, I don't outright say it but I feel this unconscious "look" to God asking " Do you see how much I love you, God? Am I pretty Father? Did I do good, Abba? "

For too long, I’ve been trying to make everyone happy without being true to the desires God has placed in my heart. God deserves for me to be the girl he is making me into. He gave everything so that I may have eternal life. He sacrificed his only son. I can't even sacrifice my favorite stuffed animal, yet God gave me the life of his son so that some day I can walk the streets of heaven with him. He loved me that much. I want God to look at me and say that I'm beautiful. That I've done good. That he knows how much I love him. Because I KNOW he's looking at my heart.

As for the rest of the world, I'm done caring what you all think. Some may think I'm a "bible-thumper" while others will think I'm too liberal to be a good Christian. Well I could care less. I'm done hiding from my faith and the person that I'm meant to be. I've been blessed with an earthly father that supports me in everything I do and a Heavenly Father who is blessing everything I touch. And I will praise him, even when it forces me out of the places that are comfortable and into unknown territory.

I'm ready Lord. Send me.

Okay, maybe I’m not completely ready… but I’m working on it :)

Love you Abba. You too Padre.

Puzzles and Struggles

2010-07-05T22:40:00.006-04:00

Somedays it feels like everything in life is falling apart.

Today is not one of those days.

If I could create a picture of how I'd like most ordinary days to look, it would look like today.

I woke up around 10 am after getting about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Read some of the novel I've been reading (it's not sophisticated so I'm opting out of listing it here), showered, and took my time getting ready for work at 1. At work I was actually really productive and accomplished some things I've been putting off. After work, I finished the novel mentioned earlier (and it wasn't terrible, in fact, it had a few lessons I really needed to hear), went for a run, and made myself pasta for dinner. I watched Gilmore Girls, Glee, and the HBO mini-series on John Adams for the rest of the evening. Okay maybe I snuck in some World Cup analysis action, and caught up on Baseball tonight. A girl's gotta have her sports fix, right?

There was absolutely nothing eventful or exciting about today. I didn't bungee jump, go whitewater rafting, ride a jet ski... All things I love to do. Instead, I was ordinary. And I was content.

Now, don't worry Christin... (as I'm sure you're the only one who reads my blog, but I'm totally okay with that, consider this a book...minus details of my emotional instability)

UGH. I digress. Don't worry, I'm not ready to settle into an ordinary and decidedly dull life. As if I could avoid life-threatening adventures.

However, it really was nice to just have a normal day. No texts full of drama or confusion to offset my contentment. No monetary crises. No one to barge in and make a request of me last minute. It was glorious.

Now, to relate this to one of the lessons my book taught me.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple years trying to make pieces of puzzles fit together that don't. No matter how many times God would put a roadblock there to give me time to see the bigger picture, I would sidestep said obstacle and dig my own path to what I thought was right for me. Man, was I so wrong and so blind.

God has something out there for me that's way bigger than anything I could imagine. How do I know this? Because every time I abandon my plan and follow His I am blessed way more than I had been while I was being stubborn. Now for examples because I like examples...deal with it

- College: I was going to Ohio State. No question. I decided I would since I was a freshman in high school. However, when those housing papers came from OSU in May 2006 I didn't have peace and next thing I know I'm applying to Lee University in Cleveland, TN- a place I've never heard of or seen.

- Boyfriend 1: We dated for 2.5 years starting my senior year of high school. I knew after about a year and a half we weren't good for each other but I chose to remain in the relationship in spit of God telling me to let go. Result- I ended up heartbroken and leaning on the only One who never left me.

- Being single: gosh, this just sucks after having a boyfriend for almost three years. How do you even go back to this. (confession: i still haven't mastered the whole flirting thing again... I still treat guys like besties...but it's whatever. I've always wanted to marry my best friend)

- Dean: yes, that's a code name for a boy. Despite how much I wanted us to be perfect for each other, I knew we weren't and I knew he was not a good guy for me. Of course, I ignored the still small voice and did what i wanted. Result- confusion. heartache. loneliness. desperation. 2nd result- strength. worth. confidence. love for myself.

PS- Thanks, Dean for sucking at life so I could find myself again.

Loneliness is easily the worst feeling I've ever faced. After Boyfriend 1 and I broke up I lived in this emotion. A song that got me through this time had this lyric and I go back to it every time I start to feel alone:

"I will love you unconditionally.

I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep

and I'll hold your hand while you weep and weep.

Daughter, I love you unconditionally"

It was during this difficult time that I realized God's unconditional love for me. His promise to always love me and His consistency when everything is inconsistent on earth. He has never left me feeling abandoned and every time I start to doubt Him the Holy Spirit whispers those lyrics in my heart and I'm reminded of His love for me.

I am still struggling to see the entire puzzle and it's because I'm not supposed to. At this point I have some of the border finished but there's no telling where the pieces in the middle go. Instead I'm having to rely on God to direct my steps. Too bad I have all these ideas but no clue which is the right direction to go. It's pretty exciting to examine all the possibilities and be open to all of them at once.

I think what's more exciting is I haven't decided which one is the one. Nope, I don't have the slightest idea what I want to do or where I want to go. Instead, I'm living in this ordinary day and loving how often I talk to and hear from my Savior. I know that whatever path I choose will be the one He chose before I was created.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

Just Listen

2010-06-28T13:41:00.005-04:00

At this time 22 years ago, I was slowly forcing my way out of my mother's uterus... little did she know I'd be such a perfect child.

22.

It's my perfect palindrome. I won't be able to write my age the same way backward and forward for another 11 years... and by then I doubt I'll care. I'll probably be depressed because I'm in my 30s... maybe I'll be dead and never have to worry about that sorta thing :)

I'm just over halfway through the second best day of the year (next to thanksgiving, where gluttony is celebrated) and this birthday is already incredibly different than the last. For instance, i received almost 30 facebook comments before i went to bed last night. Now I'm not giving facebookers much credit. I mean you literally did the one thing that took the smallest bit of effort. Heaven forbid one calls or texts. Regardless, I probably received that many in the entire day of my birth last June.

So riddle me this, what has changed? the only answer I can come up with is an effort to invest in relationships. I realized starting last fall that I really love people and I want them to know that. And everyone knows the best way to gain the affections of another is to ask them questions about themselves and let them ramble about how awesome they are for a while. You look like you actually care and they walk away feeling as if you did too. Don't get me wrong, I do care. I just wish I wasn't the only one who spent as much time listening as I do.

"Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request." -Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

Most of my friends don't know a great deal about me. They know they like me. I'm funny, smart, athletic... (it's my birthday I'm allowed to talk about how great I am) but they don't know why I'm this way. Nor have they bothered to ask. Many of them have no clue how many siblings I have, what their names are, that my parents are divorced, that my dad had cancer.

I love people because I know their story. I know what they've overcome to be the amazing individual they are (or sometimes aren't.) And I know their stories because I showed interest in who they are. This blog isn't an effort to guilt trip anyone or acquire sympathy from others. I don't need it, promise. I have a TON and literally I mean a TON of friends that I have and will always consider friends. But I long for those deep relationships in which they know why I check my lock 3 times on my car; why I still sleep with a stuffed animal I got when I was 6; why I choose to be trusting despite people's dark nature. None of these have to do with natural tendencies. They're all a result of life experience.

How well do you know your friends? The people you eat lunch with everyday, whether it's in the lunch room, dining hall, office break room... what's their middle name? why is it? Where are their parents from? How many siblings do they have? Where do they fall in birth order?

Maybe it's the sentimental psychologist in me. I don't know. But on a day that is marked by the moment I entered this world, I'm faced with the reality that I've lived 22 years and the people who have taken an interest in my life are the ones that remain close to me.

"Man's inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively." -Carl Rogers (I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY)

So take this day to examine your relationships. Ask somebody about their life and their family. Try to learn why they are the way they are and see if they do the same for you. I doubt they will. Then ask yourself, "am I listening as much as I'm talking?"

We all desire to be known. But first, I think we should know each other.

"I'm listening baby." -My dad

Masochist

2010-06-14T15:39:00.004-04:00

It's so easy to seek out the people who hurt us. I don't get it but I do it all the time.

My mother and I have never had a close bond. We've just never seen eye-to-eye. Yet, for so long I would set myself up to be disappointed by her. I would create hope in the crevices that she created the last time she let me down.

I've done the same thing with my romantic relationships. I'm sure all of us have. You enter into a relationship (we can even include friendships in this) and you put this person on a pedestal of perfection. Then, inevitably they become human. They let you down. They leave. They break your heart. Maybe they just want to be friends. Maybe you just want to be friends.

Is this even possible? Does friendship exist when you've been hurt or hurt someone else? Being the idealist I am, I think so. I think you truly can forgive someone for hurting you. For me, it takes accepting them for who they are. Yeah, they screwed up and they suck at life. See that crevice in your heart? It's no fun. But neither is making it larger by packing it with anger. Don't forget how it felt, but don't maintain that pain.

Today I was faced with seeing someone I used to really care about. Someone I thought I had put behind me. My physiological reaction told me there was still something there. A crevice that I forgot to fill with forgiveness. Instead I filled it with hope that he would realize I was waiting for him. A realization he obviously never reached. So I was left with a crack in my foundation that I've attempted to pretend doesn't exist. Result: I found myself feeling hurt again over him and the confusion that exists with him.

Women are really bad about this. We create these fantasies about relationships and before the guy has even asked us out on the first date we've picked out the colors for the wedding. Okay, I don't really do this but I do fantasize about what could be. We all do. Don't deny it. You do it too.

It's nice to hope for something wonderful. Something that would fulfill everything you lack. The danger is when we forget to guard our own heart. When we open ourselves up too much at once and end up with not only cracks in our reserves but a literal abyss.

A very wise friend said this to me when I skyped her to freak out about seeing the former love interest:
"as for the [boy] thing... take it a day at a time. it's ok to get all shaky and discombobulated when you see him you know. you're strong, confident, and deserve better and you know that. all the more reason to only be friends and not worry yourself with anything more because you must focus on what exciting things you have in the future..."

This isn't anything I didn't already know. So why did her saying that make me feel better? Because it made me realize I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy for still needing to recover from having some of my heart broken. I don't need to see a psychiatrist because I've been feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I need to think of what I do have and the ways I've been blessed.

I have an amazing family that supports me in all my antics.
I have incredible friends that let me curl up in their bed when I need a good cry.
I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry.
I am dearly loved by the people around me and a God who carries me on days like today.
I have a desire to help people be happy. How I'll do that is still something I'm figuring out.

There's no need to be a masochist when it comes to relationships. Instead, look for the people that will lift you out of your funk. Who don't even put you there to begin with. The ones who will pray for you without you asking. The people that are willing to pick you up from work in the pouring rain because they know you walked (Thanks, Ezell!).

It makes the crevice moments way less impactful. You're not crazy. Just be smarter about guarding your heart. I'll try to do the same because from our heart bursts the wells of life. And no one wants a dry well.

"Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Sabaah ilxeer!

2010-06-08T13:22:00.003-04:00

Guess who's back? Back again... Sierra's back... tell a friend.
(preferably a single one)

I've been back in the states for nearly a week now. Egypt was such an incredible experience. I saw the pyramids, some ancient temples, and every childhood fantasy I had about going to Egypt came true.

Inside scoop: growing up in Akron, Ohio I was obsessed with Ancient Egypt. Literally, I read every story and book I could find.

I went to Egypt expecting an ancient people... Instead I found a modern city (Cairo) and remnants from ancient times (Luxor, Aswan)... And I found a people that laugh and love in a way so similar to ours yet different. there's really no adequate way to express this; but i will say that it puts southern hospitality to shame. for real.

I fell in love with Egypt and left a great deal of myself there... and I'm not talking about in the form of digestion. I was one of two people on our trip who didn't get diarrhea.

Egypt top 10

The Pyramids at Giza: we legit climbed up them and took a picture... okay not to the top but climbing did occur.
Cairo traffic: honestly, riding in a bus through Cairo was terrifying. I can only imagine attempting to navigate it yourself.
Ice cream and pastry shop: located on a roundabout in Al-Agouza. Seriously, the best ice cream I've ever had topped off with amazing chocolate cake creations. UGH.
Intern Brian: he hooked us up with deals like everywhere we went and was our cultural crutch. I'm sure we made him nervous with our willingness to talk to strange Egyptian men and wander off on our own.
Mafia: not the Egyptian one... the card game. We played it with our trip directors, the program directors in Cairo, at St. Catherine's Monastery, and we would've played atop Mt. Sinai if we had brought the cards.
Mosque: on the first friday in Cairo we attended a service at a nearby mosque. I got dressed in a higab (head covering) and it was interesting how similar it was to a christian service... Okay not similar really at all BUT there was a message and it was on morality... not to mention the fact that it centered on the importance of a moral woman b/c she brings the downfall... sound familiar saints?
FOOD: okay I know I already listed ice cream but the fruit and Egyptian food made my life! Kusheri, bashbussa (I'm guessing on that spelling), and the best watermelon of my life are forever etched in my stomach's memory. Besides, what kind of sloppy American would I be if I didn't appreciate the food?
Temples....Temples.....and more Temples: Even though I may have felt slightly temple'd out by the end of our Nile Cruise, it was awesome being there. To think I was walking on the same ground ancient egyptians had... and touched the same hierglyphics they touched totally blows my mind. I wish time travel was possible... seriously though.
Snorkelling in Dahab: This place...ugh... there are no words. I didn't understand when Brian couldn't describe it to us but really it's just phenomenal. The funny thing is, sure the water is the amazing shade of blue...but when you look at the landscape it's stark and brown... and then when you look under the water, it's this amazing world of every color and fish imaginable... seriously? Go. now. don't think about it... just buy the ticket and go.
Hiking Mt. Sinai: who needs to ride a camel up? i thought i was going to die, but it was such a great experience. besides, if Moses can do it at 90, so can you!

Readjusting to American life has been interesting. Not as dramatic as I expected, but I do miss Egypt a lot. Who knows, maybe someday I'll find myself there again.

Speaking of maybe someday....

The situation with the boy reached its climax about 2 months ago, and has been on a downward slope since. Going to Egypt let me finally let him go. So, dearest confusing male whom I had high hopes for-- see ya. I'm ready for something better.

stay tuned for more summer misadventures... it's only June :)

Leaving on a jet plane...

2010-05-16T01:34:00.002-04:00

In the morning I'll be getting on a bus to Atlanta... Where I'll board a plane to begin my trek to Cairo, Egypt.

Is this real life? Sure, seeing the pyramids and climbing Mt. Sinai. are both on my bucket list, but I honestly didn't think I'd get to do them for quite some time, if ever. Yet, here I am. About to set out on an adventure of a lifetime... Add in two of my closest friends and there's bound to be some misadventures too.

Early morning and a looooong day ahead so I'm gonna hit the hay :)

Oh, and to close out... I'm gonna post a sonnet to the Passport agency in honor of receiving my passport this morning.

An Ode to the Passport Agency:

Passport, passport oh where could you be?

They act like you're made from gold

when it's really just trees!

Passport, passport I just want to leave.

So I can go to the land of dead Kings

And kitties that don't skeet!

Miss Passport Agency Help Center Lady,

I've memorized the steps it takes to hear your voice

You tell me I have no choice

But to freak out and cry

Can't you at least try?

Routine? Expedite? Overnite?

I feel like I'm Tom Hanks with no Wilson

Just let me go to Egypt to meet Australians

Waited outside the FedEx today

Creeper status but hey

Guess who has her passport?

This chick.

Take that Passport Agency Trick.

انظر يا أمريكا

aka....

see ya America,

-ce

boring, boring day

2010-05-14T21:18:00.003-04:00

I absolutely love strengths. I'm not just talking about the strengths you make up in a job interview... I'm talking the strengths from Gallup's StrengthsQuest. Make fun of me, it's okay. But I work on campus in the office that administers this personality test and sets up motivational talks integrating strengths into vocation.

That said, I absolutely love strengths. They give such insight into who we are as individuals yet allow us to see similarities between each other.

My strengths in order are:

Includer

Positivity

Harmony

Developer

Belief

Straight up hippie strengths... but I see those five words and I see myself in them.

Includer: I love to bring people in. To invite them into relationship with me. This also gets me in trouble when it comes to boys because apparently it sends mixed messages. Nah, they just fall for my perfect mix of sweet and sarcastic.

Positivity: I consistently look for the upside in any situation. Rather than focus on what could go wrong and stress about it, I relax and hope for the best. (key example: freaking passport)

Harmony: making everyone comfortable in a situation is way important to me. I can blend with just about any group of people without feeling like I need to change or they need to change. Instead I have this innate acceptance of who people are. Sure they still drive me crazy, but they also let me be crazy when I need to.

Developer: This is the Social Worker within me. I gain such a great sense of satisfaction when I help someone else move from point A to point B. When I can be a supporting force, yet I see them make choices for themselves to change and live. This should be higher in the ranks, I think.

Belief: I base my choices on a set of core values. These values are a huge part of who I am and most of them are rooted in the teachings of my Dad. I was not raised in a Church-centered home, yet I have an extremely strong moral compass and I have him to thank for that.

Not sure why I decided to blog about my strengths. I guess I just needed an excuse not to facebook stalk the boy. Let's just go through my day... thats what this junk is for right?

7:30 am- Rise and shine... and write a short paper... thanks summer school

8:30 am- class... I wanted to die of boredom. 3 1/2 hours of one class is enough to make anyone miserable even if it's interesting. We discussed the separation of church/state... Which I've decided I'm in favor of. (Don't tell Westboro Baptist... they'll picket outside of my house next)

12:00- Yay! no more class. Shopping for Egypt appropriate clothing. Let's be real... that's code for ankle length skirts and loose fitting tops. I have boobs... they already hate Egypt.

The rest of the day is a blur. I wish I was somewhere cool that would have tons of new adventures and places to explore everyday.

Oh and I bought a new bra from Victoria Secret. This is so sad.

Let's get to the bottom of why I had to blog: Boy. Well, it's more like lack thereof. Still strong in my fast... except it's getting both easier and harder to not talk to him. I mean, let's be real, I'm leaving on Sunday for Egypt for 2.5 weeks. A lot can happen in that amount of time.. Including me being forgotten....

I read in a book today (He's just not that into you) and the author said this, "You are not so easily forgotten. Let him miss you." sigh... okay, okay! I'm doing just that... but I really want to say bye and/or hang out before I leave... NOPE not doing it... Okay I might send a "see ya" text tomorrow..... but if my friends have anything to do with it... that's not going to happen either.

Yeah, I may be semi-pathetic. But hey, I don't care. At least I have a boy to fast.

Living in Passport Hell

2010-05-13T02:32:00.003-04:00

Passport chaos 101.

Flashback to April 30, 2010.

It was a sunny Friday and I was applying for my passport. The woman behind the desk assured me this cursed book would arrive at my house within 7-10 days.

Flash forward to May 10, 2010.... My passport application JUST arrived at the Agency.

Stress factor: I leave for EGYPT on MAY 16th!

yeah....

I really need this to all work out or guess what? I'm not graduating in December. NOT OKAY. Not to mention the fact I already paid for my study abroad trip. This cannot be real life.

Lighter note:

Day 2 of playing tennis and replacing boredom with activities (rather than eating). Not gonna lie, my forehand is getting sick... my backhand is a whole different story though... Who knows... I may give Serena a run for her money

Oh and I really do have an amazing group of friends.

The roommates: Lindsay and Jess

The besties since college started: Lindsay (again) and Roxie

International bffs: Christin... i need more... so the bffs is a bffs instead of bff

Lifetime Homie: Alley... coming up on our 10th anniversary of most bestest friendship

Honestly, these people help me survive life. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Boy Fast update: still holding strong. Got a text from an old friend today... should've married him a long time ago. Hindsight. It's nice to talk to people you really click with though. It's never been any work for us to just sit and talk for hours. I love that. Who knows... Maybe someday. At least HE appreciates my Buckeyes. Legit Ohioans are always good for that much. But it's like he always says, what's meant to be will be... so I'll keep living life and see where the road takes me :)

Talked to Padre today (that's my dad) and we just shot the sh*t.... as he would say. It was nice to have a normal conversation with no stress of money or school mixed in. Speaking of school... definitely made all A's and one A-.... NBD. So excited. Back on that Dean's List and I'm officially graduating Magna Cum Laude! Everything I worked for is happening and it's all because of me, no one else :)

Tomorrow's agenda:

Tennis with Allison and Lindsay at 11 AM. Class at 1 PM.... just remembered I haven't done the research for my powerpoint... Nor have I studied my terms for the quiz... Guess I should probably get some sleep so I can get up early enough to take care of that...

-ce

A lot happens in 3 months....

2010-05-10T18:52:00.004-04:00

There are some people who just rock at this whole blogging thing. And then there's ME.

Let's just say I'm a commitment-phobe. But really, I am. That and I can barely remember to shower daily, let alone sit at a computer and type out the happenings of my extremely interesting and fast-paced college life.

But don't stress... Summer has returned! As in the season, not the person. And with summer comes endless hours/days/weeks of not much of anything else for me to do other than pour out my emotions, activities, and adventures via internet postings. Clearly, I know I don't have a whole hoard of followers waiting each day to hear what I have to say. However, I plan to use

this as a way to look back on my life.

Let's see... How about a quick rundown of my life since February.

Retreat with Epsilon Lambda Phi- Gatlinburg, TN. BUNGEE JUMPING (3x) and having the best weekend of my life... well it's in the top 20 anyway.
Spring Break- Estero, FL.... bingo, shuffleboard, Grandma Diana and my great-grandmother.gosh I really should've blogged about that. It was the antithesis of all my friends' spring break and I loved it!
Easter Weekend- Spent in good ole Cleveland, TN... Until my best friend Roxie and I decided to drive to Savannah, GA on Easter Sunday. We spent the night in my minivan (Peggy) in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The next morning we were up early enough for McDonald's breakfast (hashbrowns, holla) and at the beach by 10 AM. Get on our level. And we were home by Midnight. Roxie had an exam on tuesday morning at 7:45 am. Let's be honest here, that was one of the coolest things I've done on a complete whim.
Turned over Presidency of Epsilon to my roommate Jessica.
filed my taxes and got that refund. HOLLA.
Oh yeah, and I "wogged" the Country Music Half Marathon on April 24. Wogged is a word I coined myself. It's a combo of walk and jog... in case you were struggling to figure it out. It was an incredible experience and I'm excited to build on the success I felt with barely finishing it. Maybe I'll actually train for my next half... which happens to be the Nike Women's Half in Nashville this September :)
Signed up for a study abroad trip to EGYPT. Yeah, another rash decision but it's perfect.

Finished my finals 2 weeks ago and I've just been hanging out. I said goodbye to my best friend who moved to Thailand to teach for a year. Definitely the hardest goodbye I've ever had. Seriously, I didn't cry when I left my family to move here... or my boyfriend at the time. But somewhere along the line in the past two years, I've created friendships with people I saw daily and I know I won't physically be in her presence until next May. But I'm beyond excited to see what God does in that amount of time. So much happens in such a short amount of time.

I'm currently fasting a boy... as in, I'm not texting or calling him. I guess I'm just ready for him to miss me some...and see what it's like when I'm not around. Maybe then he won't be such an "eenie meenie miney mo lover." This fast will be MUCH easier come Sunday when I fly out of Atlanta, GA to Cairo, Egypt. I'm not taking my phone or computer so I'll be able to fully BE THERE. And sure, I'll keep telling myself I won't think about him. Maybe it'll actually happen because it's an epic fail as long as he's just across town.

When I get back, I'm gonna need to see my family. I haven't seen them since January 5th when I left Ohio to go back to school. HOMESICKNESS to the max. BUT it's also getting easier each day that I push through missing them. It's getting me ready for growing up and being a big girl. aka, I'll be able to move and not have my school breaks to see them.

hmmm..... summer.... feels right.

10 things that are ruining my days... emo alert

2010-02-28T03:15:00.005-05:00

It's late, but there's just a few things to get off my chest in a moment of emo-ness.'

1. I hate that every time I look up at night a memory surfaces.

2. I hate that song that you loved that is now stuck in my head all the time.

3. I wish timing didn't matter and regrets didn't exist

4. I really do wonder if I cross your mind

5. Even after all the crap I can't say I would completely rule it out.

6. I miss being content

7. I despise being that girl, but I can't help but be her

8. I'm done hoping. Everything happens for a reason and Everything doesn't happen for one too

9. Still.... maybe someday

10. And if not, I'm glad this friendship continues to exist even if you won't see me

Goodnight. Church in the AM. Epsilon in the PM.

You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking

2010-02-02T13:53:00.006-05:00

First blog of 2010... where to begin?

I spent Christmas break in Ohio with the famdizzle and for once I did not work. Instead, I spent time catching up on the sleep that I didn't get all last semester and I just sat with my Dad and siblings. It was such an amazing reminder that when I feel like I am completely alone my family is always there; even when we are living 600 miles apart. When I say I just sat, I am NOT exaggerating. The week after Christmas, Padre always has the entire week off and usually we go sled riding, clean the house, and watch college football. (bowl season, duh) The one thing I miss more about home than anything else is going in Dad's room and just sitting on the bed or floor and talking about all the issues I'm dealing. If you know me, you know these tend to float towards the dating scene. Basically, I make a mess of all relationships and as the female clone of my father he tries to encourage me to keep going. Here's the trend: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. girl hangs out with boy for about two weeks. girl realizes attachment is forming and runs.

If you want the model my dad follows, switch genders. we are the same person 19 years apart.

It's the 2nd day in February and I find myself ten months from my graduation date. HOLY HANNAH. Honestly, I do not want to go. Yes, I love Boston (though I've never actually been there). Yes, I do not want to move back to Ohio (though when I'm with my family, I am content). No, I never saw myself staying in Cleveland (though that is beginning to change with time).

What do I do?

Clearly, I don't have the answer. In fact, Im far from it. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not planning my life around the future or things I want eventually. Instead, I'm just enjoying these last few months as a college undergrad. I'm opening myself up to possibilities that I usually close the door on. Geek Alert: This whole situation reminds me of Skinner's box. For the last few years, I've planned everything I do (and don't do) around the plans I had for the future. Now that I'm not doing that, you'd expect me to get the things I want now. (I tend to push things out of my life that don't fit my plan.) Well, instead of doing that I'm being open to anything that might happen...and I'm not getting anything that I want. FAIL. Hello Variable Ratio at its finest. Life is giving me the reinforcements I want but not always when I want them.

All whining, kicking, and screaming aside... I'm accepting this. Most days anyway. I mean let's be real, you can't possibly expect me to be "happy" when I want to date someone who wants to date someone else and I have to learn to put attraction aside and be their friend. I always get what I want and not getting it is becoming an issue that I am being forced to accept. But it really is happening and I'm in friend mode on all fronts. I want to be a better friend than I have been and a better believer than I have been. "Believer" is christianese for Christian, and lately I've been slacking on that front. I've been replacing my need to be in close relationship with God with relationships with friends and family. Obviously these people are incredible but they are incapable of filling the void I was trying to place them in.

It'll be interesting to see how the next months pan out. But I'm excited about it because for the first time I have NO IDEA where I'll be.

"And I'll be awful sometimes. Weakened to my knees.

2009-10-22T22:56:00.005-04:00

But I'll get by on the little victories..."

This has been quite the week. I had a couple emotional moments filled with depression, anger, and eventually wholeness. Last week was fall break for the super duper students at Lee U and only Roxie and I were here. Well not true, my former friend that is a male was around but he was a jerkface and as of right now i don't know our friend status. Basically he blew me off for like the last week. It's okay though, we're friends and if he wants to be that way its totally fine.

I'm a very social person. That's code for I hate to be alone. I like to always have people around me. Of course I also adore my alone time but when I need people and there is no one...well, I've discovered I get slightly distraught. I realized when this happened I was not happy with just myself. I've been trying to be somebody different. Someone who is not me. I was questioning who I am, why I'm this way, and why I'm not like other people. I would love to have that woo personality that people are just drawn to... Instead I'm an includer, I like to invite people into relationship rather than them come to me. Honestly, I've always been proud of this aspect of my personality. I love all people and I want everyone to feel loved and worthy. But when this isn't returned to me by those I care about it hurts. I try to act like I don't really care, but I do. I want to be loved as much as I love. I should be loved as much as I love.

My insecurity was due in part to my separation from God. I havent lost faith but I've struggled with feeling close with God and feeling His presence everyday in my life. I simply stopped listening. I'm still working on this; I mean it's not like I can just snap my fingers and my relationship with Christ is fixed. He's already done the work I just have been to busy to be in communion with Him.

So...I've started getting back to the root of my faith. God's loving-kindness that protected me when I rejected Him. His care-giving and love for me. He loved as much as I loved. He loved tons more than I have ever loved. I've been seeking this love from my friends and family but they are incapable of providing it. I became disappointed in them for being themselves because I was unhappy with the person God created me to be: this sensitive person who was meant to love people.

I started asking the questions I've been avoiding like: what passions do I have? why do I have them? what do I do with them? how can I use them in my everyday with people I see everyday?

So I'm asking these questions and digging deep into who I am. As far as answers go, welp, a booming voice did not shake my house. Darn. BUT I'm listening and I know that I'm meant to do what I've always done. Love God, the Me he created me to be, and the you he created you to be. Yeah, I love you. Believe it.

Love is our Resistance

2009-10-02T16:15:00.007-04:00

I'm so pumped for fall. Seriously. It is the best season of the year. Change can be seen better in fall than any other season and fall in Tennessee is just gorgeous. Some friends of mine started a tradition that ever October we take a trip up to Chilhowee, build a fire, and sit and talk about life. Everything about life. It's finally October and I can't wait for these nights. There's just so much I want to discuss.

My current relationship status: single. I don't want to discuss my lack of dating status but rather how happy I am with my current status. I've had this overwhelming desire to just love my friends and let them know how much I truly care about them. Which is weird if you knew how sarcastic and unaffectionate I am to even my closest friends. But really, I just want them all to know that I think they are wonderful friends and I appreciate their heart and everything they do for me. I'd rather have these amazing people in my life than rely on the love of just one person. At least I would for now. I have no idea how marriage works but most days I'm not ready for that so I need to focus on what I have now.

I need to read Brother Lawrence's book "Practicing the Presence of God." It's all about living in the present and allowing God to work in your present rather than your future. So much value is placed on the next goal or step in life. Graduate college. Get a job. Go to grad school. Meet someone. Get married. Start a family. All these things should make us happy and they do, when they actually come; but if our focus is on the future, these amazing experiences and gifts are underappreciated and glanced over in search of the next big thing.

I won't lie, I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who cares about me. But that's not what God has for me right now and by hoping for that and waiting on that I've been missing out on the gifts He has given me in the present. My best friends are there for me through everything. I can rely on them to constantly carry me and support me. Guy friends that I've only had for a year have shown me what true brotherly love is and how I should be treated as a sister in Christ. There are many thing I want but they are unavailable to me and it's because I'm in a place of healing. I'm learning how to love myself for exactly who I am.

In the past I've changed myself to appeal to people. Not in any extreme sense but just small ways to make myself more attractive to them. This isn't exclusive to dating relationships either. I think we all do this. Around certain people, we turn our charm up a notch or attempt to dress nicer and appear more intelligent. After my last relationship ended I told myself I would never do that again. And then when I developed an attraction to a close friend I found it happening. I started making sure I was available in case he wanted to hang out. I brought up music, movies, and shows we both liked. I emphasized our similarities and chose to avoid our differences. But we ARE different. So different and now I love this. In our differences we learn more about each other and God. We can see the complexities of our friends and the complexities of a God who created us in His image.

If God created us in His image and He created us all different what does that say about Him. That He can't be broken down into the 2000 or so pages that the Bible consists of. He cant be explained wholly in our understanding because we don't even understand ourselves or those closest to us; let alone the combination of all people on earth, past and present, that make up a portion of God's image.

I'm embracing today. I'm embracing 4:35 pm on October 2, 2009 because this is where I am. I'm sitting at my desk, with clothes that need folded on my bed, a kitten sleeping on my lap, and the promise of wholeness in this moment.

I'll have all the things I desire. It's been guaranteed to me. They may not arrive when I prefer them to but they will come when I'm ready. Until then I'm here and in the future wherever I am, you can expect me to be there, as well.

black holes and revelations

2009-04-18T20:56:00.004-04:00

Hello summer 09...well in about 2 weeks anyway...

This semester has been so crazy, fun, intense, stressful...pretty much every adjective can be attributed to the last 4 months. I've gone through crushes, about as often as I wash my clothes...which my friends know, is about once a month so it's not as bad as one might first think.

Seriously, I've formed friendships that did not exist January 1st. I've actually been able to get to know some incredible people that just rock my world. Too bad the majority of them are graduating in 2 weeks. I'm not even close to ready for this. It really is not fair. I can't believe I just started to form meaningful relationships and now they're going off to start their lives and I'm stuck here. What am I going to do when it's my turn? Heck, I change my mind every other day. Well, about as often as I change crushes anyway.

Speaking of crushes...hello "soon to be nicknamed" boy

if a girl ever tries to say she's not fickle....she's wrong. just saying. you can argue with me, whatever, but everyone is fickle. we want what we cant have but the second we're given attention, see ya former love interest...hello new love interest that is actually interested

I really do disgust even myself. I'm sure my friends laugh about it when I'm not around but I don't care. I just want a buddy I can have fun with...and possible make out haha... roxie says that puts friendship at risk and encourages crushes..well, I'm okay with that...some days

but all in all...today was a good day...and I may or may not have met my soulmate..or I may meet him at the softball game I'm going to right now.

A spoon full of sugar.....

2009-03-05T09:53:00.004-05:00

One year seems like a lifetime when you look forward. But looking back, it seems like an instant.

A year ago, I was in Ohio getting ready for Matt's mom's wedding. At one point on March 7, I found myself talking with my pastor and his wife about the possibility of Matt and I getting married. I had decided that this is what my life was going to be; whether or not I was truly happy in this relationship did not matter. I made a commitment and, as far as I knew, so did he. We had decided 2 years earlier that we would be together and there would never be someone else in either of our lives.

A month or so later, right after driving back to Tennessee from Ohio after Easter, we stopped seeing each other all the time. Something changed during easter weekend. That weekend we tried soo hard to find some reason to stay together, but I think we both knew the end was coming. I fought it. I backed off and gave him space but still tried to salvage our failing relationship. I hung out with him and his friends, went days without hearing from him to give him, and forgave him for gradually breaking my heart piece by piece, day-by-day. In an effort to avoid the age-old girl game of blaming the guy, I won't say he didn't try. I'm sure he did....but what I won't avoid is the fact that while I was working to get through this rough patch, he was lining up someone else to fill my spot. (Ben Folds- song for the dumped)

So much changed in one month. Then so much changed in one day..one hour..one minute

My world was completely changed with two words, "It's over." Words that I had to say and didn't want to. Words that I didn't believe followed by the indifference of a person whom I had loved and poured into for nearly 3 years. Words that began a journey that has completely changed who I am today and rebirthed some of the person I was before him.

Fast forward to today: A year ago, I never ever imagined that this is where I'd be. I've found a new joy in my salvation and relationship with my God. HE has taught me the meaning of true love, the unending fountain of grace, and the importance of humility. He has brought me to a place in which I can love again. Not just a romantic love, but simply a companionable love for all people. My friendships are taking first priority for the first time in 3 years. I've learned to trust my friends with my hurts and allow them to pray for me and love on me.

Thinking about a year from now, everything is going to continue to change. Friends that I've become close with are graduating and leaving. Crushes I've had will come and go. My Dad's health will be better and worse then better again. I'm making life altering decisions daily and each of them has its own course... (insert "Pocahontas: Just around the river bend" this is where my ADD kicks in and I start singing randomly....but, alas, I digress...)

Who knew that this is where I'd be? of course God knew but besides Him...no one. My best friends have seen a change in me. My sister and I have finally healed our relationship and she is one of my closest friends in this world. Alley and I no longer have guys in the way of our crazy and incredible friendship. Old ties I let wear away are finally resewn. It's just awesome how so much can change in such a long and short amount of time.

just dance....

2009-03-05T01:18:00.005-05:00

Life has just been incredibly different and weird for me lately. These simply phenomenal people have moved into my life over the last few months, and its seriously been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. im just so thankful for the ways in which they challenge me and the ways in which they pour into my life. Seriously, the simplicity of asking what is going on in my life is awesome to me. You know how we ask those generic questions like "how's life" or "what's going on with you" and we don't really expect an honest answer? Today, a friend of mine answered honestly, and it just impressed me so much. He actually told me what was going on in his life and I was just surprised by his vulnerability..yeah i mean he shares that kinda info anyway, but I don't. and the fact that he was willing to be real with me, just really rocked me for a second and i didn't know what to do next.

I wish I could be that open with everyone. I understand you can't trust everyone and that people will burn you, but seriously... you can't live in fear of that. So long, i've lived in fear of being hurt by other people that i don't allow myself to really show until i trust them. The quiet girl in a large group did not exist one year ago, but i just can't seem to shake her. and the entire time im just chilling, im going back and forth inside my head trying to convince myself to just let loose. i wish i understood it. i wish i knew what to do to be the loud crazy person i am on a regular basis. but so often, when i am that person, some people are just shocked. For example.... if you know me REALLY well... i mean really well...you know i can dance. no, i cant break dance or do any cool junk like that but you better believe i can break it down. but sometimes, when i do..some people are just shocked and then it makes me feel super awkward, the shell comes up, and i shut down... dont ask how, but it just happens.

i blame the quiet girl who has control of my surface-y self. she keeps me hidden until she feels comfy enough to let the real me out. im so sick of it. im sick of being boring. ugh. i seriously need to just stop all this whining, get out there, and dance like my life depends on it.

k, well anyway...... i talked to my dad today.... oh, padre. thankfully he was in a good mood. of course it made accomplishing anything impossible... i swear he's ADD. but listening to him banter with ryan and tara just made my day...and made me miss home a ton. I'm excited about spring break in west palm beach but im not excited about not seeing my family until easter.....

this is soooo random...but im tired and will think of something insightful next time.

i smoke clowns like you on the b-ball court

2008-10-15T22:19:00.004-04:00

basically, i've been hearing for weeks from my roommate that i need to blog... why? i have absolutely no idea. anyway, in order to relinquish myself of this voice in the back of my head, i've decided to post a blog about next to nothing at all. quite an accomplishment if i do say so myself.

last weekend epsilon went on retreat to good ole gatlinburg... it was amazing... this picture is our the perfect view and our wonderful hammock... i absolutely loved it.

relationship status: single of course. i mean its not like im not interested in the opposite sex. believe me, im most def interested. unfortunately there seems to be a lack of reciprocation. haha... except for one particular male who just enjoys cruel and unusual punishment.

despite this, im rather content in my single-ness. i've had more time to focus on me, and my future...

Why must i have a graduate degree to practice social work? i think that's lame. just train me, geez. i'm not looking forward to an additional 2-3 years after i get my bachelors... but i am looking forward to a new city. look out boston/new york/ cali/ texas/pretty much everywhere..

there foxann, i hope ur appeased.... :)

It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh

2008-07-21T12:49:00.003-04:00

My body basically hates me right now. We went out on the lake yesterday and for some reason or another I decided that tubing was fun.... well it is until you have to hold your fat self on the freaking tube while being pulled around by a speed boat... yeah so my legs kept dragging in the water... hilarious to watch albeit slightly painful. Anyway, today my upper body hurts like all heck.

it was pretty fun though, i cant lie.

Watching my sister try and pull herself up onto that tube: now THAT was the funniest thing I have ever watched. I havent laughed like that in years. I even peed a little... I'm not ashamed to admit!

I've been reading almost non-stop all summer and my money supply is too low to continue buying. I'm going to start rereading soon. I've decided that this and playing clarinet are my two coping mechanisms. They're the only way I escape this unfair reality and slip into something translucent. It's pretty amazing.

I've given up on the male species. They are generally incapable of seeing worth. Though I'm not a supermodel, I am still amazing and I refuse to just settle for someone that is not serious about me or that I'm not genuinely interested in. I've come to realize that I'm going to be single for a while, but I guess that's okay. I've had a lot more fun since I've been single than I did the 2 1/2 years I was dating. That certainly says something.

This Friday: RASCAL FLATTS and TAYLOR SWIFT

Next weekend: CEDAR POINT!!! possibly a visit from Roxy... I'm serious I'll drive 600 miles and pick ur butt up! and BREAKING DAWN.....

this summer is almost over and I can't believe it

Favorite song: (well for now anyway) Rascal Flatts- No reins
She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins
No reins
All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
Repeat Chorus
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh-oh which ever way the wind blows
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go (learnin' how to let go)

i swear im psychic

2008-07-17T23:16:00.002-04:00

so, my uncle died... in the middle of the night. i dont know if he's in a better place or not, and its so tempting to want to say that he is, when i know it's more likely that he's not....

Nevertheless... at least he isnt suffering like he was. im sad i never went to see him but i want to be able to remember him as the man i knew as a child.

well its super hot in my room... so im gonna take a shower and hit the hay.

I just wanna live

2008-07-16T22:51:00.002-04:00

My uncle just turned 33... and he's dying. that's right, he is dying and there's no doubt about it. he's 13 years older than me, the only boy of 5 kids, and a father of 3. Can you even freaking imagine? I know I can't. I mean it seems like we're all going to live to grow old and wrinkly, but that's not the case for my Uncle Ray. See, he has terminal lung cancer... only it has spread from his lungs to the majority of his body. It's just days now.

My uncle and I were really close when I was little. I remember him always being nice to me, and giving me treats when mom wasnt looking. He was just a really fun guy. of course, over time we grew apart cuz my mom married my dad and Uncle Ray married Mary... I remember when he went away to boot camp, we had this party at his house and for some reason I was convinced he was going away to some war. of course we werent in Iraq then, so it made little sense but nonetheless....

I still cant grasp the idea that come next week, the odds of him being alive are slim and even if he is still holding on he's in intense pain. He is going to die, and someday I'm going to too.

Honestly, I know this may be blasphemous, but I told God how I felt about it... I'm not sure I want Jesus to come back too soon... there's so much I wanna do. I want to sky dive, bungy jump, travel to almost everywhere, get married, have a family, have grandkids, buy a home, live in the city, live in the country, start a ministry and the list goes on.

And yet, I put these things off with hopes of tomorrow. but tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I could die in my sleep or on the way to work tomorrow... so why am i not living my life to the fullest?

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind. To do all the things I want to in the little time I'm here involves very little planning and a huge amount of courage and spontaneity. There's no time for heartbreak or fear. Maybe I just need to say, "Screw it" and buy those plain tickets to Europe or ask that certain someone out to dinner.

My only hope is that when I am called home to be with my God, I can look at him and say I used the time you gave me to do all I could and serve you with all I had within me. If nothing else, I want to be able to say that I made a difference in at least one person.

She's standing tall, she's got it all, got the world at her heels

2008-07-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

I've come to realize:

Best friends will be there no matter how long its been since you talked

Money is temporary; an abundance of it is an oxymoron

Work is overrated; laziness is underrated

Music is a direct link to any soul

You can tell my mood of the day based on the genre im listening to

The heart is a fragile muscle... Broken easily, and mended over a long amount of time

Love is a horrible prank our mind plays on us.... often we think its love when its just convenience
and habit

Sleep is a distant memory

I miss Cleveland, Tennessee and all its little-ness.

I love living in the city and its diversity

I'm tired of being uncertain.

I want to be held for a good 2 1/2 minutes

I want to be kissed without warning by someone im interested in

I need books to survive real life

People surprise me sometimes... and its refreshing

Im crushing on the idea of a crush.

I miss my cat.... more now than ever

Relationships ruin friendships

If you're not careful, you'll fall for someone before you can guard your heart

Bad boys are hot...but good guys are dateable

I live for adrenaline rushes and excitement

Spontaneity is a necessity for happiness

Laughter shows in your cheeks and eyes... so does love

It's the sweetest feeling to be truly adored by someone

This body is temporary... this soul is not

You only live once; stop being so cautious and freaking LIVE

branded for life!

2008-07-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

yeah, so i got a tattoo saturday! super random.. alley texted me on friday and asked if i wanted to go... why not right? well... its pretty great and you need to see it if you havent yet.

i was supposed to start a class yesterday.. i need to officially drop it, but i havent yet cuz i keep putting it off. i think ill do that soon

went to dads softball game sunday and on the way home Gabrielle had to pee.. so we pull off Rt. 8 at Tallmadge ave and went right to Circle K.. and how bout straight up into North Hill.. now i've seen my share of ghetto but today i witnessed my first elderly drug deal!!!! it was pretty funny, cuz they were like gray-haired and all.. but i guess ur never too old to hustle

she's beautiful in her simple little way

2008-07-14T23:58:00.000-04:00

ok, so here's the deal.... its been almost 3 months since the horrific break up. i've moved on and gotten rid of everything... and i mean everything. i even threw away a teddy bear! i felt bad, but i had to do it. pictures were ripped... it was oh so ceremonial...

anywho, the reason for this blog is cuz i think im ready to date again. the only problem is, there's a guy that im kinda interested in. but i cant be. cuz its just not cool. why is it that when i am finally getting used to being single and happy by myself, i start to realize i have feelings for someone that i've had for a while and never noticed.
of course, he doesnt even give me a second glance; which kinda sucks but i guess its better off this way. life is just way too complicated by itself, and then add a guy into the mix and it turns into a huge mess. well if it's meant to be it will, and if its not then aw well. there's something better out there.

but its super hard not to hope. and its even harder not to make myself into the girl he would want. but im doing my best. if things do work out, i want it to be cuz he likes my crazy real self than the manniquin i would create of myself

anyway, i've been pretty busy lately. i work at jc penney and its pretty okay. i mean its not the greatest and most rewarding job ever but its helping to pay my enormous amount of bills. plus i like the people i work with, they're pretty cool.

anyway, went to aaron's grad party, face got a little redish... pretty sweet stuff. went to natalies last night to hang out.... almost died.. multiple times.. also pretty sweet stuff. seriously miss hanging out with alley, but hopefully we'll fix that these last few weeks before i go back to tennessee...

oh yeah, and im working on my guitar hero skillz... im a little out of shape cuz i havent been playing much, but im getting back on it...

I've kept the best parts and played them in my mind

2008-05-20T21:38:00.000-04:00

ok so im working on cleaning my room... in fact i've been working on it for like 2 1/2 weeks.... anywho, im cleaning and as usual im looking through every photo album, journal, and yearbook i pick up.

consequently, it's taken me 2 hours to clean one wall of pictures... and that's about all i have completed... and being the old lady i am, i'm tired and about to go to sleep

well, i guess i just find it curious how we save things from our life... sure it's nice to keep those memories preserved, especially from our childhood. i mean when im 40 im not gonna remember what happened on April 20, 2008.. but my journal most def will. and then there's me: the girl who keeps every memory and hides the painful ones but doesnt have the courage to throw them out... what can i say? im like everyone else, i'm afraid that one day i'll want to look back on those days and there'll be nothing for me to reminisce on......

At the same time isnt it a waste of time and space? these memories just allow us to live in the past and what might've been. i mean, shouldnt the things that really matter still be with us when we cant remember every event of our life. There's a reason some people dont make it to your future: they belong in your past... plain and simple

of course I'm not gonna get rid of all my stuff... that would require going against my pack rat instincts and well, i just dont have the strength to attempt that.. at least not tonight

so this is love....

2008-05-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

so in light of my recent breakup which, wasn't exactly pretty, i decided to read this book.... i mean seriously, i quit relationships so why not read something that will instill that in my soul.

well thanks to Ashley Jackson, I discovered the existence of "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris and decided in a moment of haste to buy it. i mean things couldnt get any worse right?well i've spent the majority of today reading it and I just ran across a paragraph that seriously brought me to tears.

"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, "This is love." God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, "THIS is love."

wow. how could i have missed that. after i broke up with matt i felt sad and empty like i had lost something that i could never get back again. i didnt even realize that the love i thought i felt was a fabrication presented to me by my culture. for too long, I've missed his continuous exclamation of unending love for me. instead i've sought that wholeness in intimacy with another human being and yet, i've never been able to figure out why it just wasnt enough.

now i know why it wasn't. And im so thankful that i'm learning this now, instead of rushing into something that wasnt right. I have no idea where i'll be three months from now let alone 3 years but i'm so incredibly thankful to know that He has the timing right. I'm growing to appreciate this gift of Single-ness that God has granted me when i really need it.

kinda cool revelation, i guess.