boring, boring day

I absolutely love strengths. I'm not just talking about the strengths you make up in a job interview... I'm talking the strengths from Gallup's StrengthsQuest. Make fun of me, it's okay. But I work on campus in the office that administers this personality test and sets up motivational talks integrating strengths into vocation.

That said, I absolutely love strengths. They give such insight into who we are as individuals yet allow us to see similarities between each other.

My strengths in order are:

Includer

Positivity

Harmony

Developer

Belief

Straight up hippie strengths... but I see those five words and I see myself in them.

Includer: I love to bring people in. To invite them into relationship with me. This also gets me in trouble when it comes to boys because apparently it sends mixed messages. Nah, they just fall for my perfect mix of sweet and sarcastic.

Positivity: I consistently look for the upside in any situation. Rather than focus on what could go wrong and stress about it, I relax and hope for the best. (key example: freaking passport)

Harmony: making everyone comfortable in a situation is way important to me. I can blend with just about any group of people without feeling like I need to change or they need to change. Instead I have this innate acceptance of who people are. Sure they still drive me crazy, but they also let me be crazy when I need to.

Developer: This is the Social Worker within me. I gain such a great sense of satisfaction when I help someone else move from point A to point B. When I can be a supporting force, yet I see them make choices for themselves to change and live. This should be higher in the ranks, I think.

Belief: I base my choices on a set of core values. These values are a huge part of who I am and most of them are rooted in the teachings of my Dad. I was not raised in a Church-centered home, yet I have an extremely strong moral compass and I have him to thank for that.

Not sure why I decided to blog about my strengths. I guess I just needed an excuse not to facebook stalk the boy. Let's just go through my day... thats what this junk is for right?

7:30 am- Rise and shine... and write a short paper... thanks summer school

8:30 am- class... I wanted to die of boredom. 3 1/2 hours of one class is enough to make anyone miserable even if it's interesting. We discussed the separation of church/state... Which I've decided I'm in favor of. (Don't tell Westboro Baptist... they'll picket outside of my house next)

12:00- Yay! no more class. Shopping for Egypt appropriate clothing. Let's be real... that's code for ankle length skirts and loose fitting tops. I have boobs... they already hate Egypt.

The rest of the day is a blur. I wish I was somewhere cool that would have tons of new adventures and places to explore everyday.

Oh and I bought a new bra from Victoria Secret. This is so sad.

Let's get to the bottom of why I had to blog: Boy. Well, it's more like lack thereof. Still strong in my fast... except it's getting both easier and harder to not talk to him. I mean, let's be real, I'm leaving on Sunday for Egypt for 2.5 weeks. A lot can happen in that amount of time.. Including me being forgotten....

I read in a book today (He's just not that into you) and the author said this, "You are not so easily forgotten. Let him miss you." sigh... okay, okay! I'm doing just that... but I really want to say bye and/or hang out before I leave... NOPE not doing it... Okay I might send a "see ya" text tomorrow..... but if my friends have anything to do with it... that's not going to happen either.

Yeah, I may be semi-pathetic. But hey, I don't care. At least I have a boy to fast.

Living in Passport Hell

Passport chaos 101.

Flashback to April 30, 2010.

It was a sunny Friday and I was applying for my passport. The woman behind the desk assured me this cursed book would arrive at my house within 7-10 days.

Flash forward to May 10, 2010.... My passport application JUST arrived at the Agency.

Stress factor: I leave for EGYPT on MAY 16th!

yeah....

I really need this to all work out or guess what? I'm not graduating in December. NOT OKAY. Not to mention the fact I already paid for my study abroad trip. This cannot be real life.

Lighter note:

Day 2 of playing tennis and replacing boredom with activities (rather than eating). Not gonna lie, my forehand is getting sick... my backhand is a whole different story though... Who knows... I may give Serena a run for her money

Oh and I really do have an amazing group of friends.

The roommates: Lindsay and Jess

The besties since college started: Lindsay (again) and Roxie

International bffs: Christin... i need more... so the bffs is a bffs instead of bff

Lifetime Homie: Alley... coming up on our 10th anniversary of most bestest friendship

Honestly, these people help me survive life. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Boy Fast update: still holding strong. Got a text from an old friend today... should've married him a long time ago. Hindsight. It's nice to talk to people you really click with though. It's never been any work for us to just sit and talk for hours. I love that. Who knows... Maybe someday. At least HE appreciates my Buckeyes. Legit Ohioans are always good for that much. But it's like he always says, what's meant to be will be... so I'll keep living life and see where the road takes me :)

Talked to Padre today (that's my dad) and we just shot the sh*t.... as he would say. It was nice to have a normal conversation with no stress of money or school mixed in. Speaking of school... definitely made all A's and one A-.... NBD. So excited. Back on that Dean's List and I'm officially graduating Magna Cum Laude! Everything I worked for is happening and it's all because of me, no one else :)

Tomorrow's agenda:

Tennis with Allison and Lindsay at 11 AM. Class at 1 PM.... just remembered I haven't done the research for my powerpoint... Nor have I studied my terms for the quiz... Guess I should probably get some sleep so I can get up early enough to take care of that...

-ce

A lot happens in 3 months....

There are some people who just rock at this whole blogging thing. And then there's ME.

Let's just say I'm a commitment-phobe. But really, I am. That and I can barely remember to shower daily, let alone sit at a computer and type out the happenings of my extremely interesting and fast-paced college life.

But don't stress... Summer has returned! As in the season, not the person. And with summer comes endless hours/days/weeks of not much of anything else for me to do other than pour out my emotions, activities, and adventures via internet postings. Clearly, I know I don't have a whole hoard of followers waiting each day to hear what I have to say. However, I plan to use

this as a way to look back on my life.

Let's see... How about a quick rundown of my life since February.

• Retreat with Epsilon Lambda Phi- Gatlinburg, TN. BUNGEE JUMPING (3x) and having the best weekend of my life... well it's in the top 20 anyway.
  
  
• Spring Break- Estero, FL.... bingo, shuffleboard, Grandma Diana and my great-grandmother.gosh I really should've blogged about that. It was the antithesis of all my friends' spring break and I loved it!
• Easter Weekend- Spent in good ole Cleveland, TN... Until my best friend Roxie and I decided to drive to Savannah, GA on Easter Sunday. We spent the night in my minivan (Peggy) in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The next morning we were up early enough for McDonald's breakfast (hashbrowns, holla) and at the beach by 10 AM. Get on our level. And we were home by Midnight. Roxie had an exam on tuesday morning at 7:45 am. Let's be honest here, that was one of the coolest things I've done on a complete whim.
• Turned over Presidency of Epsilon to my roommate Jessica.
• filed my taxes and got that refund. HOLLA.
• Oh yeah, and I "wogged" the Country Music Half Marathon on April 24. Wogged is a word I coined myself. It's a combo of walk and jog... in case you were struggling to figure it out. It was an incredible experience and I'm excited to build on the success I felt with barely finishing it. Maybe I'll actually train for my next half... which happens to be the Nike Women's Half in Nashville this September :)
• Signed up for a study abroad trip to EGYPT. Yeah, another rash decision but it's perfect.

Finished my finals 2 weeks ago and I've just been hanging out. I said goodbye to my best friend who moved to Thailand to teach for a year. Definitely the hardest goodbye I've ever had. Seriously, I didn't cry when I left my family to move here... or my boyfriend at the time. But somewhere along the line in the past two years, I've created friendships with people I saw daily and I know I won't physically be in her presence until next May. But I'm beyond excited to see what God does in that amount of time. So much happens in such a short amount of time.

I'm currently fasting a boy... as in, I'm not texting or calling him. I guess I'm just ready for him to miss me some...and see what it's like when I'm not around. Maybe then he won't be such an "eenie meenie miney mo lover." This fast will be MUCH easier come Sunday when I fly out of Atlanta, GA to Cairo, Egypt. I'm not taking my phone or computer so I'll be able to fully BE THERE. And sure, I'll keep telling myself I won't think about him. Maybe it'll actually happen because it's an epic fail as long as he's just across town.

When I get back, I'm gonna need to see my family. I haven't seen them since January 5th when I left Ohio to go back to school. HOMESICKNESS to the max. BUT it's also getting easier each day that I push through missing them. It's getting me ready for growing up and being a big girl. aka, I'll be able to move and not have my school breaks to see them.

hmmm..... summer.... feels right.

10 things that are ruining my days... emo alert

It's late, but there's just a few things to get off my chest in a moment of emo-ness.'

1. I hate that every time I look up at night a memory surfaces.

2. I hate that song that you loved that is now stuck in my head all the time.

3. I wish timing didn't matter and regrets didn't exist

4. I really do wonder if I cross your mind

5. Even after all the crap I can't say I would completely rule it out.

6. I miss being content

7. I despise being that girl, but I can't help but be her

8. I'm done hoping. Everything happens for a reason and Everything doesn't happen for one too

9. Still.... maybe someday

10. And if not, I'm glad this friendship continues to exist even if you won't see me

Goodnight. Church in the AM. Epsilon in the PM.

You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking

First blog of 2010... where to begin?

I spent Christmas break in Ohio with the famdizzle and for once I did not work. Instead, I spent time catching up on the sleep that I didn't get all last semester and I just sat with my Dad and siblings. It was such an amazing reminder that when I feel like I am completely alone my family is always there; even when we are living 600 miles apart. When I say I just sat, I am NOT exaggerating. The week after Christmas, Padre always has the entire week off and usually we go sled riding, clean the house, and watch college football. (bowl season, duh) The one thing I miss more about home than anything else is going in Dad's room and just sitting on the bed or floor and talking about all the issues I'm dealing. If you know me, you know these tend to float towards the dating scene. Basically, I make a mess of all relationships and as the female clone of my father he tries to encourage me to keep going. Here's the trend: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. girl hangs out with boy for about two weeks. girl realizes attachment is forming and runs.

If you want the model my dad follows, switch genders. we are the same person 19 years apart.

It's the 2nd day in February and I find myself ten months from my graduation date. HOLY HANNAH. Honestly, I do not want to go. Yes, I love Boston (though I've never actually been there). Yes, I do not want to move back to Ohio (though when I'm with my family, I am content). No, I never saw myself staying in Cleveland (though that is beginning to change with time).

What do I do?

Clearly, I don't have the answer. In fact, Im far from it. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not planning my life around the future or things I want eventually. Instead, I'm just enjoying these last few months as a college undergrad. I'm opening myself up to possibilities that I usually close the door on. Geek Alert: This whole situation reminds me of Skinner's box. For the last few years, I've planned everything I do (and don't do) around the plans I had for the future. Now that I'm not doing that, you'd expect me to get the things I want now. (I tend to push things out of my life that don't fit my plan.) Well, instead of doing that I'm being open to anything that might happen...and I'm not getting anything that I want. FAIL. Hello Variable Ratio at its finest. Life is giving me the reinforcements I want but not always when I want them.

All whining, kicking, and screaming aside... I'm accepting this. Most days anyway. I mean let's be real, you can't possibly expect me to be "happy" when I want to date someone who wants to date someone else and I have to learn to put attraction aside and be their friend. I always get what I want and not getting it is becoming an issue that I am being forced to accept. But it really is happening and I'm in friend mode on all fronts. I want to be a better friend than I have been and a better believer than I have been. "Believer" is christianese for Christian, and lately I've been slacking on that front. I've been replacing my need to be in close relationship with God with relationships with friends and family. Obviously these people are incredible but they are incapable of filling the void I was trying to place them in.

It'll be interesting to see how the next months pan out. But I'm excited about it because for the first time I have NO IDEA where I'll be.

"And I'll be awful sometimes. Weakened to my knees.

But I'll get by on the little victories..."

This has been quite the week. I had a couple emotional moments filled with depression, anger, and eventually wholeness. Last week was fall break for the super duper students at Lee U and only Roxie and I were here. Well not true, my former friend that is a male was around but he was a jerkface and as of right now i don't know our friend status. Basically he blew me off for like the last week. It's okay though, we're friends and if he wants to be that way its totally fine.



I'm a very social person. That's code for I hate to be alone. I like to always have people around me. Of course I also adore my alone time but when I need people and there is no one...well, I've discovered I get slightly distraught. I realized when this happened I was not happy with just myself. I've been trying to be somebody different. Someone who is not me. I was questioning who I am, why I'm this way, and why I'm not like other people. I would love to have that woo personality that people are just drawn to... Instead I'm an includer, I like to invite people into relationship rather than them come to me. Honestly, I've always been proud of this aspect of my personality. I love all people and I want everyone to feel loved and worthy. But when this isn't returned to me by those I care about it hurts. I try to act like I don't really care, but I do. I want to be loved as much as I love. I should be loved as much as I love.

My insecurity was due in part to my separation from God. I havent lost faith but I've struggled with feeling close with God and feeling His presence everyday in my life. I simply stopped listening. I'm still working on this; I mean it's not like I can just snap my fingers and my relationship with Christ is fixed. He's already done the work I just have been to busy to be in communion with Him.

So...I've started getting back to the root of my faith. God's loving-kindness that protected me when I rejected Him. His care-giving and love for me. He loved as much as I loved. He loved tons more than I have ever loved. I've been seeking this love from my friends and family but they are incapable of providing it. I became disappointed in them for being themselves because I was unhappy with the person God created me to be: this sensitive person who was meant to love people.

I started asking the questions I've been avoiding like: what passions do I have? why do I have them? what do I do with them? how can I use them in my everyday with people I see everyday?

So I'm asking these questions and digging deep into who I am. As far as answers go, welp, a booming voice did not shake my house. Darn. BUT I'm listening and I know that I'm meant to do what I've always done. Love God, the Me he created me to be, and the you he created you to be. Yeah, I love you. Believe it.

Love is our Resistance

I'm so pumped for fall. Seriously. It is the best season of the year. Change can be seen better in fall than any other season and fall in Tennessee is just gorgeous. Some friends of mine started a tradition that ever October we take a trip up to Chilhowee, build a fire, and sit and talk about life. Everything about life. It's finally October and I can't wait for these nights. There's just so much I want to discuss.

My current relationship status: single. I don't want to discuss my lack of dating status but rather how happy I am with my current status. I've had this overwhelming desire to just love my friends and let them know how much I truly care about them. Which is weird if you knew how sarcastic and unaffectionate I am to even my closest friends. But really, I just want them all to know that I think they are wonderful friends and I appreciate their heart and everything they do for me. I'd rather have these amazing people in my life than rely on the love of just one person. At least I would for now. I have no idea how marriage works but most days I'm not ready for that so I need to focus on what I have now.

I need to read Brother Lawrence's book "Practicing the Presence of God." It's all about living in the present and allowing God to work in your present rather than your future. So much value is placed on the next goal or step in life. Graduate college. Get a job. Go to grad school. Meet someone. Get married. Start a family. All these things should make us happy and they do, when they actually come; but if our focus is on the future, these amazing experiences and gifts are underappreciated and glanced over in search of the next big thing.

I won't lie, I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who cares about me. But that's not what God has for me right now and by hoping for that and waiting on that I've been missing out on the gifts He has given me in the present. My best friends are there for me through everything. I can rely on them to constantly carry me and support me. Guy friends that I've only had for a year have shown me what true brotherly love is and how I should be treated as a sister in Christ. There are many thing I want but they are unavailable to me and it's because I'm in a place of healing. I'm learning how to love myself for exactly who I am.

In the past I've changed myself to appeal to people. Not in any extreme sense but just small ways to make myself more attractive to them. This isn't exclusive to dating relationships either. I think we all do this. Around certain people, we turn our charm up a notch or attempt to dress nicer and appear more intelligent. After my last relationship ended I told myself I would never do that again. And then when I developed an attraction to a close friend I found it happening. I started making sure I was available in case he wanted to hang out. I brought up music, movies, and shows we both liked. I emphasized our similarities and chose to avoid our differences. But we ARE different. So different and now I love this. In our differences we learn more about each other and God. We can see the complexities of our friends and the complexities of a God who created us in His image.

If God created us in His image and He created us all different what does that say about Him. That He can't be broken down into the 2000 or so pages that the Bible consists of. He cant be explained wholly in our understanding because we don't even understand ourselves or those closest to us; let alone the combination of all people on earth, past and present, that make up a portion of God's image.

I'm embracing today. I'm embracing 4:35 pm on October 2, 2009 because this is where I am. I'm sitting at my desk, with clothes that need folded on my bed, a kitten sleeping on my lap, and the promise of wholeness in this moment.

I'll have all the things I desire. It's been guaranteed to me. They may not arrive when I prefer them to but they will come when I'm ready. Until then I'm here and in the future wherever I am, you can expect me to be there, as well.