First blog of 2010... where to begin?
I spent Christmas break in Ohio with the famdizzle and for once I did not work. Instead, I spent time catching up on the sleep that I didn't get all last semester and I just sat with my Dad and siblings. It was such an amazing reminder that when I feel like I am completely alone my family is always there; even when we are living 600 miles apart. When I say I just sat, I am NOT exaggerating. The week after Christmas, Padre always has the entire week off and usually we go sled riding, clean the house, and watch college football. (bowl season, duh) The one thing I miss more about home than anything else is going in Dad's room and just sitting on the bed or floor and talking about all the issues I'm dealing. If you know me, you know these tend to float towards the dating scene. Basically, I make a mess of all relationships and as the female clone of my father he tries to encourage me to keep going. Here's the trend: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. girl hangs out with boy for about two weeks. girl realizes attachment is forming and runs.
If you want the model my dad follows, switch genders. we are the same person 19 years apart.
It's the 2nd day in February and I find myself ten months from my graduation date. HOLY HANNAH. Honestly, I do not want to go. Yes, I love Boston (though I've never actually been there). Yes, I do not want to move back to Ohio (though when I'm with my family, I am content). No, I never saw myself staying in Cleveland (though that is beginning to change with time).
What do I do?
Clearly, I don't have the answer. In fact, Im far from it. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not planning my life around the future or things I want eventually. Instead, I'm just enjoying these last few months as a college undergrad. I'm opening myself up to possibilities that I usually close the door on. Geek Alert: This whole situation reminds me of Skinner's box. For the last few years, I've planned everything I do (and don't do) around the plans I had for the future. Now that I'm not doing that, you'd expect me to get the things I want now. (I tend to push things out of my life that don't fit my plan.) Well, instead of doing that I'm being open to anything that might happen...and I'm not getting anything that I want. FAIL. Hello Variable Ratio at its finest. Life is giving me the reinforcements I want but not always when I want them.
All whining, kicking, and screaming aside... I'm accepting this. Most days anyway. I mean let's be real, you can't possibly expect me to be "happy" when I want to date someone who wants to date someone else and I have to learn to put attraction aside and be their friend. I always get what I want and not getting it is becoming an issue that I am being forced to accept. But it really is happening and I'm in friend mode on all fronts. I want to be a better friend than I have been and a better believer than I have been. "Believer" is christianese for Christian, and lately I've been slacking on that front. I've been replacing my need to be in close relationship with God with relationships with friends and family. Obviously these people are incredible but they are incapable of filling the void I was trying to place them in.
It'll be interesting to see how the next months pan out. But I'm excited about it because for the first time I have NO IDEA where I'll be.
