i smoke clowns like you on the b-ball court

basically, i've been hearing for weeks from my roommate that i need to blog... why? i have absolutely no idea. anyway, in order to relinquish myself of this voice in the back of my head, i've decided to post a blog about next to nothing at all. quite an accomplishment if i do say so myself.

last weekend epsilon went on retreat to good ole gatlinburg... it was amazing... this picture is our the perfect view and our wonderful hammock... i absolutely loved it.

relationship status: single of course. i mean its not like im not interested in the opposite sex. believe me, im most def interested. unfortunately there seems to be a lack of reciprocation. haha... except for one particular male who just enjoys cruel and unusual punishment.

despite this, im rather content in my single-ness. i've had more time to focus on me, and my future...

Why must i have a graduate degree to practice social work? i think that's lame. just train me, geez. i'm not looking forward to an additional 2-3 years after i get my bachelors... but i am looking forward to a new city. look out boston/new york/ cali/ texas/pretty much everywhere..

there foxann, i hope ur appeased.... :)

It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh

My body basically hates me right now. We went out on the lake yesterday and for some reason or another I decided that tubing was fun.... well it is until you have to hold your fat self on the freaking tube while being pulled around by a speed boat... yeah so my legs kept dragging in the water... hilarious to watch albeit slightly painful. Anyway, today my upper body hurts like all heck.

it was pretty fun though, i cant lie.

Watching my sister try and pull herself up onto that tube: now THAT was the funniest thing I have ever watched. I havent laughed like that in years. I even peed a little... I'm not ashamed to admit!

I've been reading almost non-stop all summer and my money supply is too low to continue buying. I'm going to start rereading soon. I've decided that this and playing clarinet are my two coping mechanisms. They're the only way I escape this unfair reality and slip into something translucent. It's pretty amazing.

I've given up on the male species. They are generally incapable of seeing worth. Though I'm not a supermodel, I am still amazing and I refuse to just settle for someone that is not serious about me or that I'm not genuinely interested in. I've come to realize that I'm going to be single for a while, but I guess that's okay. I've had a lot more fun since I've been single than I did the 2 1/2 years I was dating. That certainly says something.

This Friday: RASCAL FLATTS and TAYLOR SWIFT

Next weekend: CEDAR POINT!!! possibly a visit from Roxy... I'm serious I'll drive 600 miles and pick ur butt up! and BREAKING DAWN.....

this summer is almost over and I can't believe it

Favorite song: (well for now anyway) Rascal Flatts- No reins
She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins
No reins
All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
Repeat Chorus
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh-oh which ever way the wind blows
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go (learnin' how to let go)

i swear im psychic

so, my uncle died... in the middle of the night. i dont know if he's in a better place or not, and its so tempting to want to say that he is, when i know it's more likely that he's not....

Nevertheless... at least he isnt suffering like he was. im sad i never went to see him but i want to be able to remember him as the man i knew as a child.

well its super hot in my room... so im gonna take a shower and hit the hay.

I just wanna live

My uncle just turned 33... and he's dying. that's right, he is dying and there's no doubt about it. he's 13 years older than me, the only boy of 5 kids, and a father of 3. Can you even freaking imagine? I know I can't. I mean it seems like we're all going to live to grow old and wrinkly, but that's not the case for my Uncle Ray. See, he has terminal lung cancer... only it has spread from his lungs to the majority of his body. It's just days now.

My uncle and I were really close when I was little. I remember him always being nice to me, and giving me treats when mom wasnt looking. He was just a really fun guy. of course, over time we grew apart cuz my mom married my dad and Uncle Ray married Mary... I remember when he went away to boot camp, we had this party at his house and for some reason I was convinced he was going away to some war. of course we werent in Iraq then, so it made little sense but nonetheless....

I still cant grasp the idea that come next week, the odds of him being alive are slim and even if he is still holding on he's in intense pain. He is going to die, and someday I'm going to too.

Honestly, I know this may be blasphemous, but I told God how I felt about it... I'm not sure I want Jesus to come back too soon... there's so much I wanna do. I want to sky dive, bungy jump, travel to almost everywhere, get married, have a family, have grandkids, buy a home, live in the city, live in the country, start a ministry and the list goes on.

And yet, I put these things off with hopes of tomorrow. but tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I could die in my sleep or on the way to work tomorrow... so why am i not living my life to the fullest?

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind. To do all the things I want to in the little time I'm here involves very little planning and a huge amount of courage and spontaneity. There's no time for heartbreak or fear. Maybe I just need to say, "Screw it" and buy those plain tickets to Europe or ask that certain someone out to dinner.

My only hope is that when I am called home to be with my God, I can look at him and say I used the time you gave me to do all I could and serve you with all I had within me. If nothing else, I want to be able to say that I made a difference in at least one person.

She's standing tall, she's got it all, got the world at her heels

I've come to realize:

Best friends will be there no matter how long its been since you talked

Money is temporary; an abundance of it is an oxymoron

Work is overrated; laziness is underrated

Music is a direct link to any soul

You can tell my mood of the day based on the genre im listening to

The heart is a fragile muscle... Broken easily, and mended over a long amount of time

Love is a horrible prank our mind plays on us.... often we think its love when its just convenience
and habit

Sleep is a distant memory

I miss Cleveland, Tennessee and all its little-ness.

I love living in the city and its diversity

I'm tired of being uncertain.

I want to be held for a good 2 1/2 minutes

I want to be kissed without warning by someone im interested in

I need books to survive real life

People surprise me sometimes... and its refreshing

Im crushing on the idea of a crush.

I miss my cat.... more now than ever

Relationships ruin friendships

If you're not careful, you'll fall for someone before you can guard your heart

Bad boys are hot...but good guys are dateable

I live for adrenaline rushes and excitement

Spontaneity is a necessity for happiness

Laughter shows in your cheeks and eyes... so does love

It's the sweetest feeling to be truly adored by someone

This body is temporary... this soul is not

You only live once; stop being so cautious and freaking LIVE

branded for life!

yeah, so i got a tattoo saturday! super random.. alley texted me on friday and asked if i wanted to go... why not right? well... its pretty great and you need to see it if you havent yet.

i was supposed to start a class yesterday.. i need to officially drop it, but i havent yet cuz i keep putting it off. i think ill do that soon

went to dads softball game sunday and on the way home Gabrielle had to pee.. so we pull off Rt. 8 at Tallmadge ave and went right to Circle K.. and how bout straight up into North Hill.. now i've seen my share of ghetto but today i witnessed my first elderly drug deal!!!! it was pretty funny, cuz they were like gray-haired and all.. but i guess ur never too old to hustle

she's beautiful in her simple little way

ok, so here's the deal.... its been almost 3 months since the horrific break up. i've moved on and gotten rid of everything... and i mean everything. i even threw away a teddy bear! i felt bad, but i had to do it. pictures were ripped... it was oh so ceremonial...

anywho, the reason for this blog is cuz i think im ready to date again. the only problem is, there's a guy that im kinda interested in. but i cant be. cuz its just not cool. why is it that when i am finally getting used to being single and happy by myself, i start to realize i have feelings for someone that i've had for a while and never noticed.
of course, he doesnt even give me a second glance; which kinda sucks but i guess its better off this way. life is just way too complicated by itself, and then add a guy into the mix and it turns into a huge mess. well if it's meant to be it will, and if its not then aw well. there's something better out there.

but its super hard not to hope. and its even harder not to make myself into the girl he would want. but im doing my best. if things do work out, i want it to be cuz he likes my crazy real self than the manniquin i would create of myself

anyway, i've been pretty busy lately. i work at jc penney and its pretty okay. i mean its not the greatest and most rewarding job ever but its helping to pay my enormous amount of bills. plus i like the people i work with, they're pretty cool.

anyway, went to aaron's grad party, face got a little redish... pretty sweet stuff. went to natalies last night to hang out.... almost died.. multiple times.. also pretty sweet stuff. seriously miss hanging out with alley, but hopefully we'll fix that these last few weeks before i go back to tennessee...

oh yeah, and im working on my guitar hero skillz... im a little out of shape cuz i havent been playing much, but im getting back on it...

I've kept the best parts and played them in my mind

ok so im working on cleaning my room... in fact i've been working on it for like 2 1/2 weeks.... anywho, im cleaning and as usual im looking through every photo album, journal, and yearbook i pick up.

consequently, it's taken me 2 hours to clean one wall of pictures... and that's about all i have completed... and being the old lady i am, i'm tired and about to go to sleep

well, i guess i just find it curious how we save things from our life... sure it's nice to keep those memories preserved, especially from our childhood. i mean when im 40 im not gonna remember what happened on April 20, 2008.. but my journal most def will. and then there's me: the girl who keeps every memory and hides the painful ones but doesnt have the courage to throw them out... what can i say? im like everyone else, i'm afraid that one day i'll want to look back on those days and there'll be nothing for me to reminisce on......

At the same time isnt it a waste of time and space? these memories just allow us to live in the past and what might've been. i mean, shouldnt the things that really matter still be with us when we cant remember every event of our life. There's a reason some people dont make it to your future: they belong in your past... plain and simple

of course I'm not gonna get rid of all my stuff... that would require going against my pack rat instincts and well, i just dont have the strength to attempt that.. at least not tonight

so this is love....

so in light of my recent breakup which, wasn't exactly pretty, i decided to read this book.... i mean seriously, i quit relationships so why not read something that will instill that in my soul.

well thanks to Ashley Jackson, I discovered the existence of "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris and decided in a moment of haste to buy it. i mean things couldnt get any worse right?well i've spent the majority of today reading it and I just ran across a paragraph that seriously brought me to tears.

"The world takes us to a silver screen on which flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, "This is love." God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied man hangs and says, "THIS is love."

wow. how could i have missed that. after i broke up with matt i felt sad and empty like i had lost something that i could never get back again. i didnt even realize that the love i thought i felt was a fabrication presented to me by my culture. for too long, I've missed his continuous exclamation of unending love for me. instead i've sought that wholeness in intimacy with another human being and yet, i've never been able to figure out why it just wasnt enough.

now i know why it wasn't. And im so thankful that i'm learning this now, instead of rushing into something that wasnt right. I have no idea where i'll be three months from now let alone 3 years but i'm so incredibly thankful to know that He has the timing right. I'm growing to appreciate this gift of Single-ness that God has granted me when i really need it.

kinda cool revelation, i guess.