A spoon full of sugar.....

One year seems like a lifetime when you look forward. But looking back, it seems like an instant.

A year ago, I was in Ohio getting ready for Matt's mom's wedding. At one point on March 7, I found myself talking with my pastor and his wife about the possibility of Matt and I getting married. I had decided that this is what my life was going to be; whether or not I was truly happy in this relationship did not matter. I made a commitment and, as far as I knew, so did he. We had decided 2 years earlier that we would be together and there would never be someone else in either of our lives.



A month or so later, right after driving back to Tennessee from Ohio after Easter, we stopped seeing each other all the time. Something changed during easter weekend. That weekend we tried soo hard to find some reason to stay together, but I think we both knew the end was coming. I fought it. I backed off and gave him space but still tried to salvage our failing relationship. I hung out with him and his friends, went days without hearing from him to give him, and forgave him for gradually breaking my heart piece by piece, day-by-day. In an effort to avoid the age-old girl game of blaming the guy, I won't say he didn't try. I'm sure he did....but what I won't avoid is the fact that while I was working to get through this rough patch, he was lining up someone else to fill my spot. (Ben Folds- song for the dumped)


So much changed in one month. Then so much changed in one day..one hour..one minute

My world was completely changed with two words, "It's over." Words that I had to say and didn't want to. Words that I didn't believe followed by the indifference of a person whom I had loved and poured into for nearly 3 years. Words that began a journey that has completely changed who I am today and rebirthed some of the person I was before him.



Fast forward to today: A year ago, I never ever imagined that this is where I'd be. I've found a new joy in my salvation and relationship with my God. HE has taught me the meaning of true love, the unending fountain of grace, and the importance of humility. He has brought me to a place in which I can love again. Not just a romantic love, but simply a companionable love for all people. My friendships are taking first priority for the first time in 3 years. I've learned to trust my friends with my hurts and allow them to pray for me and love on me.



Thinking about a year from now, everything is going to continue to change. Friends that I've become close with are graduating and leaving. Crushes I've had will come and go. My Dad's health will be better and worse then better again. I'm making life altering decisions daily and each of them has its own course... (insert "Pocahontas: Just around the river bend" this is where my ADD kicks in and I start singing randomly....but, alas, I digress...)

Who knew that this is where I'd be? of course God knew but besides Him...no one. My best friends have seen a change in me. My sister and I have finally healed our relationship and she is one of my closest friends in this world. Alley and I no longer have guys in the way of our crazy and incredible friendship. Old ties I let wear away are finally resewn. It's just awesome how so much can change in such a long and short amount of time.

just dance....

Life has just been incredibly different and weird for me lately. These simply phenomenal people have moved into my life over the last few months, and its seriously been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. im just so thankful for the ways in which they challenge me and the ways in which they pour into my life. Seriously, the simplicity of asking what is going on in my life is awesome to me. You know how we ask those generic questions like "how's life" or "what's going on with you" and we don't really expect an honest answer? Today, a friend of mine answered honestly, and it just impressed me so much. He actually told me what was going on in his life and I was just surprised by his vulnerability..yeah i mean he shares that kinda info anyway, but I don't. and the fact that he was willing to be real with me, just really rocked me for a second and i didn't know what to do next.

I wish I could be that open with everyone. I understand you can't trust everyone and that people will burn you, but seriously... you can't live in fear of that. So long, i've lived in fear of being hurt by other people that i don't allow myself to really show until i trust them. The quiet girl in a large group did not exist one year ago, but i just can't seem to shake her. and the entire time im just chilling, im going back and forth inside my head trying to convince myself to just let loose. i wish i understood it. i wish i knew what to do to be the loud crazy person i am on a regular basis. but so often, when i am that person, some people are just shocked. For example.... if you know me REALLY well... i mean really well...you know i can dance. no, i cant break dance or do any cool junk like that but you better believe i can break it down. but sometimes, when i do..some people are just shocked and then it makes me feel super awkward, the shell comes up, and i shut down... dont ask how, but it just happens.

i blame the quiet girl who has control of my surface-y self. she keeps me hidden until she feels comfy enough to let the real me out. im so sick of it. im sick of being boring. ugh. i seriously need to just stop all this whining, get out there, and dance like my life depends on it.

k, well anyway...... i talked to my dad today.... oh, padre. thankfully he was in a good mood. of course it made accomplishing anything impossible... i swear he's ADD. but listening to him banter with ryan and tara just made my day...and made me miss home a ton. I'm excited about spring break in west palm beach but im not excited about not seeing my family until easter.....

this is soooo random...but im tired and will think of something insightful next time.