You make all things work together for my good.

Before I can even begin to write a blog you should know this: I just sneezed and instead of snot exiting my nose, there was an earthquake inside my brain. Like, the sneeze just stayed in my nose and made my entire skull vibrate. It's a phenomenon I hope to never repeat. Terrifying.

But seriously, I think it's time to announce the good news: I got a job today as a bank teller! Well technically I received "the call" yesterday. Now, I know my last post talked about my dream job as a residential house parent. And really, working with this group of kids is truly where my heart is. However, after a lot of prayer and list making, I decided to make the move to Barberton, Ohio to live with my family official. That's right. I'm regressing to pre-college dependent Sierra. Fret not, I'll be independent as soon as financially possible.

Leaving Tennessee was one of the hardest choices I've ever made. I was part of a sisterhood that carried me through some of the roughest days of my life so far. I created friendships that developed into future bridesmaids. I ate A LOT of ice cream, japanese, and tacos. I went on dates and had failed romances. I ran a half-marathon with my freshman roommate, who is also my best friend. I discovered the power of leggings and boots, as opposed to actually wearing pants. I white-water rafted, cliff jumped, bungee jumped, and watched multiple meteor showers from the top of a mountain. It's safe to say Southeast Tennessee stole a piece of my heart.

Despite how much I loved this place, after (more) prayer I knew it was time to let it go. At least for now. Leaving behind friendships that seem too short and the beauty of a southern fall. As I was driving through the countryside in Cleveland, TN, I looked up at the moon to just admire how crazy bright it was. Immediately, I saw the mountain that was silhouetted by the moon's light; the same mountain I'd driven up for hikes, meteor showers, dates, and long talks with friends. I began to cry. I could feel my heart breaking.

At this point I stopped my car in the middle of the curvy, mountain road and just stood next to "Peggy" (my minivan) and admired God's work. It was easily one of the most breathtaking moments of my life. It's a moment that will forever be stored in my memory photo-album. Of course, I continued to cry. I wish I could give justice to this moment but I think what made it so impactful was God's gift of true, unaltered beauty to me. In that instant, I forgot every task I had ahead of me as I moved and remembered the incredible times I had in this place. On top of this, I remembered His consistency during some of the most inconsistent times of my life.

Climbing back into my van, I had a moment of doubt. I didn't even have a job in Ohio! How could I leave somewhere I love so much? How could I leave people who had become closer than my family had ever been to accepting and understanding the real me? Just HOW God? How could God expect me to do something that hurt so much?

Then I remembered that all God was asking for was trust. So, weepy Sierra began repeating the mantra of, "okay, I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you. I'm trusting you." over and over and over again.

Two days later, I've arrived home and began settling into my new quarters. I'm sharing a room with my 19 year old (still in college) sister and preparing myself for life in Northeast Ohio. I've decided to get reinvolved in my home church (or find a new one that suits new, progressive, hippie religious sierra- aka all you need is love-- it's faith not works, yall.) and begin volunteering at a youth center for at-risk youth in Akron. The same youth center I attended on Thursdays nights when I was in middle school. Also, grad school plans are back on for the fall too! And, I've been offered a job. It's all coming together. Thanks to trust.

And if you could be lost you’d find yourself at home

Today I had to survive the facebook attack of snow and friend filled fun in the Southeast. That's right... the second snowstorm of the year hit Cleveland, TN and a majority of my friends are snowed-in with each other. I, on the other hand, have been basking in the snow of NE Ohio for the last 3 weeks. I'm not complaining, I freaking love snow. It's the only thing bringing me back to the North eventually (sorry family). I'm just over the gross, slushy, brown snow that has been created by cars on the roads. If it stayed sparkly and clean we'd have a deal.

How do people survive growing up? I'm really attempting not to be a whiny girl, but I'm finding this to be a legitimate complaint. I rarely get homesick but I'm so "schoolsick" it is ridiculous. On the brighter side, I did get multiple convos with my amazing friends in Tennessee today. That made the sting of being far away feel less acute. The problem is I love learning. I've always been in school and writing papers. I don't know how I'm going to make this transition to working instead of learning. Maybe someday I'll make a career out of academics. Until then, it's off to the job search races.

I've officially had 3 job interviews over the phone this week! Progress is being made. Despite how cool it'd be to get a grown up job right out of college, I'm secretly hoping that everything works out for this residential internship I've applied for. It pays next to nothing but I'll get to spend all my time working with kids that are neglected, abused, and/or HIV+. If you know anything about me, you know this is my dream job. My one goal in life is to simply love someone who has never experienced it and I may actually get the chance to do that. It would involve me moving even farther from my family and friends than I already am but I'm ready. I'm trying not to get too excited until I have a start date from the organization, but I'm beyond excited. Now they just need to tell me when I'd start so I can plan accordingly. There is a life to be packed and moved from Tennessee and these things just don't happen overnight.

I'm ready to start new and do something that is completely mine. I've faced opposition from my grandfather at the possibility of moving away again. So much so that he gave me the classifieds from the Akron Beacon Journal with suitable job opportunities circled. Not to mention his constant promotion of the Nursing industry... Clearly he doesn't realize that I have no interest in bed pans, scrubs, and assisting doctors in probe insertion. No thank you. It's kind of invigorating, this whole going somewhere completely unfamiliar and the uncertainty of what I'll meet there.

Now Playing- Young the Giant. If you have not heard this band, and you like the sounds of Phoenix (minus the electronic stuff), I can guarantee you will probably love them. I'm obsessed.

In other news, engagements are running rampant among my friends. Beware of they hype of the holiday season (which I extend to that wretched 2nd week in february). I know this may be hard to believe for many but an engagement isn't just the next step in a relationship. It is the decision to get married. So if you aren't ready for marriage, don't bother asking the question. And if you're just anxious to have sex (for all those conservative fundamentalists out there-- sorry but the stereotype fits here), just go for it... or don't. But don't use marriage as an excuse to get laid because your marriage will suck. **stepping off soapbox**

Job Status: still searching but possibilities are present.
5k training: 2 miles at a 12 min/mi pace. I will overcome.
Grad School status: possibly postponing for a year... we shall see.
Location: Barberton, Ohio for now. But maybe I'll be calling somewhere in the West home soon :)

cabin fever setting in.

I have officially spent more time in my living room than outside of it. If you think I'm exaggerating, think again. I'm pretty sure there is a semi-permanent imprint of my behind on my favorite couch cushion on our sorta new living room furniture set. Not to mention the 3 or 4 lbs I have surely put on over the holiday season to create a lasting impression. Oh the joys of being home for the holidays.

I just graduated from college on December 11th. I have no job and a lease in Tennessee until May. Add my AT&T bill each month (yes, the iPhone is necessary) and you have one broke A** Sierra.

So the dilemma I now face: to move home or not to move home (home being akron, ohio where my entire family lives--with the exception of one aunt in florda). Naturally, I've already created a pros and cons list, with free food at home being a major mitigating factor. I'm no closer to making a decision but I am closer to caring less each day. I'm just taking life one day at a time.

Of course, I'm applying for jobs each and every day in ohio, tennessee, massachusetts, new york... east coast, west coast... I even contemplated alaska for a second. I know desperation really isn't an attractive quality in a woman. Heck it isn't attractive in a man either. That said, it's not that I'm desperate for a job. I just want to DO something. Even if it means being a janitor at the elementary school my sister attends (which is conveniently located across the street from my Dad's house), I would do it. Okay, that may be stretching it a little far considering how I am not a huge fan of cleaning up after vom-ing children... but I think my point is made. In the mean time I've decided to accept the fact that I'm here in Ohio for now and that's okay. I get to spend time with my family, utilize that YMCA membership, DVR to my hearts content, keep up with my teams via SportsCenter and all our other sports channels (including the Big Ten Network!), and get plugged in to the running scene here in Akron.

That's right! tomorrow after my morning workout at the Y with my sister and subsequent eye exam (meaning I get new glasses! joy!) I'll be venturing to a specialty running store near downtown Akron to buy a new pair of shoes as I train for another half marathon. I haven't decided which one I'll run but there's countless opportunities to run once spring hits the North and if I'm stuck here I may as well work toward something substantial.

With all the uncertainty of my life aside, I can truly say it's been a long time since I have felt this content. I don't have a full life plan and I'm forced to take it a day at a time. It's a new concept for me but is proving to be rewarding. I'm simply happy and I love that. At the center of that contentment, I'm sure, is my relationship with God. He's proving to be steadfast as always and His consistency is the only thing keeping me sane right now. thank goodness.

Job Status: still searching. apathy threatening.
1/2 marathon training: Jan 3rd begins 5k training. Goal: 10 min/mi and a 5k time under 30 mins or less
Grad School status: applications started at Ohio State, Fordham, Boston U, and Case Western
Housing status: currently residing on the couch adjacent to the christmas tree. Hoping to upgrade to a room, somewhere (anywhere).

One day at a time...

Congratulations to me! I have completed the first step to becoming a grown up: Graduating from COLLEGE. That's right. I've got that B.A. degree (quite fitting if i do say so myself) and I'm ready to take on the world. With that comes the reality that I have absolutely no idea where I will be going from here. I can go anywhere, and do anything. Well, not anything because there's only so much you can do with a degree in psychology and a certification in NOTHING. Alas, it's a refreshing feeling to not have a plan for once. So my next series for this blog will be exploring my options as a recently hatched adult.

I'll start with the wretched evil called Job Hunting. That whore we are all cheating on our hobbies and friends with. With unemployment rates at an all-time high, I probably should've chosen to just stay in college for another 10 years or so... You know, to let the economy balance back out. Luckily for me there is no shortage in kids that need social workers/case workers (sad truth). Unfortunately for me, most of those positions require a Master's degree. I knew school would come tap me on the shoulder and remind me that it will always be there to take more money from me and accept more student loan debt accumulating on my credit report.

I've applied for MANY jobs. I say many because I don't want to depress myself with the lack of responses I have had in the last two weeks. BUT fret not, I did receive a rejection. The first rejection of my life. This is a concept I'm going to need to get used to because I've never had to face it head on. I've never been picked last in kickball. I've always made the team and got the office in a club that I wanted. And I never tried something I completely failed at. I'm leaving singing out of this because I can mimic pitches, so I'm sure I can sing somewhere deep, deep down in my subconscious. Speaking of subconscious, I had a dream the other night that I was fluent in ASL... too bad Dream Sierra thought the sign for "fine" was "I'm sorry"... but the dream deaf person I was signing to seemed to understand what I was saying... that's neither here nor there.

After rejection 1, I expected them to come rolling in by the email box full. I've received exactly 0 emails. So tomorrow begins the calls to human resource offices, hiring managers, and grandmothers when I need encouragement to keep going. Wish me luck, but not too much because then I may actually have to decide between two jobs and we all know that I am incapable to making a decision when faced with the opportunity.

Proverbs 3:5-6. My mantra for these next few months. Lord, be with me... A LOT.

viewing home through mud-tinted glasses

Last Friday I made the 8.5 hour drive from Cleveland, TN to Akron, OH to spend two weeks with my family and friends back home. Since I've been here I've spent every single day with my 8 year-old sister. Now, I love my sister. Really, I do. But I'm exhausted and need to spend time with real adults. Not pint-sized ones with unusually large vocabularies.

I guess I forgot that I abandoned my life here to begin a new one in Tennessee. Result: I don't have many friends here that I would hang out with regularly and the ones I do have are married. Bonk. I've spent the last few years seeing this place as being one of great memories and the place I escaped from. I was never looking back because there was no future there.

Now I'm seeing that I might've been wrong.

Which made me realize that coming home after graduation is the same as going anywhere. I'll be starting over. I'll have to make new friends again. Ones that share interests that I've developed in college. I'll have to meet new guys. Ones that share my values and faith (instead of the ones that are just a bunch of trouble/baggage). I thought coming home would be taking steps backward but in reality it's up to me which direction I want to take.

Home isn't the exciting and fun place that it was when I was in high school. I'm not overloaded with school/sports/music and thus I have way too much free time on my hands. The best part is this is something I would've faced anywhere. I'm not saying I'm committing to coming home after graduation in december. But i'm no longer going to consider ohio "home" because in actuality it isn't. Tennessee has become home and Ohio is just somewhere I grew up. If ohio wins out on the pros/cons list I may find myself here in a few months. And if it doesn't I'll be okay with that. I know who I am and I know that wherever I go, I won't be settling for the easy way out. And now I realize that ohio isn't necessarily the easy solution. In fact it may be tougher than others because I no longer fit in a place that I used to own.

On the plus side, I'm visiting some friends tomorrow afternoon and thursday night, and I'm spending time with one of my besties and her husband on friday. things are looking up for this bored chick.

Bleached socks

Today I was reminded of a father's love.

I look to my dad every time I have a problem. The other day while doing laundry I realized my socks looked disgusting. So I decided to bleach them. One problem: I've never bleached anything. In my life. (Well besides my white Nikes... but you know a girl ain't tryin to scuff up her white shoes right?) So naturally, I called Dad. The next day, he texted to check up on how my socks turned out.

I read Jonathan and Melissa Helser's blog entitled "Your thoughts define me" and the story he told about his little girl completely touched my heart. They're in my follow list. Check it out. I was literally moved to tears. A pretty inconvenient situation to be in while sitting at a secretary desk at my job.

This blog made me examine my relationship with my Dad. Or as I prefer to call him, my "Padre."

First off, the man let's me call him Padre. I mean really? A lot of kids have nicknames for their dad. Unfortunately for mine, he didn't get this nickname until I was 16. So now he gets to have it forever. I'll never outgrow it :)

I met my Dad when I was 6 years old. That's when my mom finally introduced us to her boyfriend, Duke. Even after they'd married, I refused to call "Duke" my dad. It literally took years before he gained my trust. You see, I'd been hurt by men who pretended to be father figures in the past. They'd come into our life and then just disappear from it. So I began to immediately reject them before they could reject me. My dad though, he refused to reject me. I would hate him and he would just love me.

Not only did he love me when I turned from him, but he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. And I wanted to do everything. He let me practice my violin for hours and to this day swears I didn't sound terrible. (I'm not buying it) He played catch with me for hours in the middle of our street when I was learning to play softball. He convinced me I could do anything I wanted, despite what others said. I had coaches who said I would never be good enough to start a game. My dad helped me prove them wrong. And yet, I would curse him and hate him when I got upset.

And yet, despite how much I could despise him sometimes, I still looked to him before anyone else for affirmation. My dad was the one with whom I wanted to share my accomplishments first. My dad was the one who would brag on me and my siblings anytime we did anything right. Even better than that, my dad has never talked bad about us to others. I would make a huge mistake and disappoint him so much, yet I never heard him talk bad about me or my siblings. While others would focus on my sister's weight, or my brother's drug use, my dad would tell them about my sister's willingness to do anything for anyone and my brother's hilarious sense of humor.

My dad amazes me. And he swears I amaze him. My dad encourages me. He says his kids are the encouragement for him. My dad affirms me. He gets embarrassed when we tell him how great he is.

Living 600 miles from home I sometimes feel forgotten. I have this need to be needed. Anytime I do something good, I immediately call Dad to tell him. I need to hear him say how good I've been. At 22, I still need my dad to tell me that I'm doing good and that he's proud. It's funny that I feel this way considering how I outright rejected him 14 years ago.

And yet, my Dad is 100% human. He makes huge mistakes. He disappoints me sometimes. He loses his temper.

As I sit here and think about it, I'm struck with a really awesome realization. I guess I never really thought about it, but I'm confident it was my earthly father's love that made accepting God's love easy.

My Dad never required me to change in order for him to accept me. God accepted me when I rejected him and avoided him for years. My dad was an example of God's love and was placed in my life so that when I finally accepted salvation, I would be able to trust God to love me unconditionally.

Similar to my relationship with Padre, I keep finding myself running to God for affirmation when I do something good. When I read a book that challenges me spiritually or spend time in the Word, I don't outright say it but I feel this unconscious "look" to God asking " Do you see how much I love you, God? Am I pretty Father? Did I do good, Abba? "

For too long, I’ve been trying to make everyone happy without being true to the desires God has placed in my heart. God deserves for me to be the girl he is making me into. He gave everything so that I may have eternal life. He sacrificed his only son. I can't even sacrifice my favorite stuffed animal, yet God gave me the life of his son so that some day I can walk the streets of heaven with him. He loved me that much. I want God to look at me and say that I'm beautiful. That I've done good. That he knows how much I love him. Because I KNOW he's looking at my heart.

As for the rest of the world, I'm done caring what you all think. Some may think I'm a "bible-thumper" while others will think I'm too liberal to be a good Christian. Well I could care less. I'm done hiding from my faith and the person that I'm meant to be. I've been blessed with an earthly father that supports me in everything I do and a Heavenly Father who is blessing everything I touch. And I will praise him, even when it forces me out of the places that are comfortable and into unknown territory.

I'm ready Lord. Send me.

Okay, maybe I’m not completely ready… but I’m working on it :)

Love you Abba. You too Padre.

Puzzles and Struggles

Somedays it feels like everything in life is falling apart.

Today is not one of those days.

If I could create a picture of how I'd like most ordinary days to look, it would look like today.

I woke up around 10 am after getting about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Read some of the novel I've been reading (it's not sophisticated so I'm opting out of listing it here), showered, and took my time getting ready for work at 1. At work I was actually really productive and accomplished some things I've been putting off. After work, I finished the novel mentioned earlier (and it wasn't terrible, in fact, it had a few lessons I really needed to hear), went for a run, and made myself pasta for dinner. I watched Gilmore Girls, Glee, and the HBO mini-series on John Adams for the rest of the evening. Okay maybe I snuck in some World Cup analysis action, and caught up on Baseball tonight. A girl's gotta have her sports fix, right?

There was absolutely nothing eventful or exciting about today. I didn't bungee jump, go whitewater rafting, ride a jet ski... All things I love to do. Instead, I was ordinary. And I was content.

Now, don't worry Christin... (as I'm sure you're the only one who reads my blog, but I'm totally okay with that, consider this a book...minus details of my emotional instability)

UGH. I digress. Don't worry, I'm not ready to settle into an ordinary and decidedly dull life. As if I could avoid life-threatening adventures.

However, it really was nice to just have a normal day. No texts full of drama or confusion to offset my contentment. No monetary crises. No one to barge in and make a request of me last minute. It was glorious.

Now, to relate this to one of the lessons my book taught me.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple years trying to make pieces of puzzles fit together that don't. No matter how many times God would put a roadblock there to give me time to see the bigger picture, I would sidestep said obstacle and dig my own path to what I thought was right for me. Man, was I so wrong and so blind.

God has something out there for me that's way bigger than anything I could imagine. How do I know this? Because every time I abandon my plan and follow His I am blessed way more than I had been while I was being stubborn. Now for examples because I like examples...deal with it

- College: I was going to Ohio State. No question. I decided I would since I was a freshman in high school. However, when those housing papers came from OSU in May 2006 I didn't have peace and next thing I know I'm applying to Lee University in Cleveland, TN- a place I've never heard of or seen.

- Boyfriend 1: We dated for 2.5 years starting my senior year of high school. I knew after about a year and a half we weren't good for each other but I chose to remain in the relationship in spit of God telling me to let go. Result- I ended up heartbroken and leaning on the only One who never left me.

- Being single: gosh, this just sucks after having a boyfriend for almost three years. How do you even go back to this. (confession: i still haven't mastered the whole flirting thing again... I still treat guys like besties...but it's whatever. I've always wanted to marry my best friend)

- Dean: yes, that's a code name for a boy. Despite how much I wanted us to be perfect for each other, I knew we weren't and I knew he was not a good guy for me. Of course, I ignored the still small voice and did what i wanted. Result- confusion. heartache. loneliness. desperation. 2nd result- strength. worth. confidence. love for myself.

PS- Thanks, Dean for sucking at life so I could find myself again.

Loneliness is easily the worst feeling I've ever faced. After Boyfriend 1 and I broke up I lived in this emotion. A song that got me through this time had this lyric and I go back to it every time I start to feel alone:

"I will love you unconditionally.

I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep

and I'll hold your hand while you weep and weep.

Daughter, I love you unconditionally"

It was during this difficult time that I realized God's unconditional love for me. His promise to always love me and His consistency when everything is inconsistent on earth. He has never left me feeling abandoned and every time I start to doubt Him the Holy Spirit whispers those lyrics in my heart and I'm reminded of His love for me.

I am still struggling to see the entire puzzle and it's because I'm not supposed to. At this point I have some of the border finished but there's no telling where the pieces in the middle go. Instead I'm having to rely on God to direct my steps. Too bad I have all these ideas but no clue which is the right direction to go. It's pretty exciting to examine all the possibilities and be open to all of them at once.

I think what's more exciting is I haven't decided which one is the one. Nope, I don't have the slightest idea what I want to do or where I want to go. Instead, I'm living in this ordinary day and loving how often I talk to and hear from my Savior. I know that whatever path I choose will be the one He chose before I was created.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13