"And I'll be awful sometimes. Weakened to my knees.

But I'll get by on the little victories..."

This has been quite the week. I had a couple emotional moments filled with depression, anger, and eventually wholeness. Last week was fall break for the super duper students at Lee U and only Roxie and I were here. Well not true, my former friend that is a male was around but he was a jerkface and as of right now i don't know our friend status. Basically he blew me off for like the last week. It's okay though, we're friends and if he wants to be that way its totally fine.



I'm a very social person. That's code for I hate to be alone. I like to always have people around me. Of course I also adore my alone time but when I need people and there is no one...well, I've discovered I get slightly distraught. I realized when this happened I was not happy with just myself. I've been trying to be somebody different. Someone who is not me. I was questioning who I am, why I'm this way, and why I'm not like other people. I would love to have that woo personality that people are just drawn to... Instead I'm an includer, I like to invite people into relationship rather than them come to me. Honestly, I've always been proud of this aspect of my personality. I love all people and I want everyone to feel loved and worthy. But when this isn't returned to me by those I care about it hurts. I try to act like I don't really care, but I do. I want to be loved as much as I love. I should be loved as much as I love.

My insecurity was due in part to my separation from God. I havent lost faith but I've struggled with feeling close with God and feeling His presence everyday in my life. I simply stopped listening. I'm still working on this; I mean it's not like I can just snap my fingers and my relationship with Christ is fixed. He's already done the work I just have been to busy to be in communion with Him.

So...I've started getting back to the root of my faith. God's loving-kindness that protected me when I rejected Him. His care-giving and love for me. He loved as much as I loved. He loved tons more than I have ever loved. I've been seeking this love from my friends and family but they are incapable of providing it. I became disappointed in them for being themselves because I was unhappy with the person God created me to be: this sensitive person who was meant to love people.

I started asking the questions I've been avoiding like: what passions do I have? why do I have them? what do I do with them? how can I use them in my everyday with people I see everyday?

So I'm asking these questions and digging deep into who I am. As far as answers go, welp, a booming voice did not shake my house. Darn. BUT I'm listening and I know that I'm meant to do what I've always done. Love God, the Me he created me to be, and the you he created you to be. Yeah, I love you. Believe it.

Love is our Resistance

I'm so pumped for fall. Seriously. It is the best season of the year. Change can be seen better in fall than any other season and fall in Tennessee is just gorgeous. Some friends of mine started a tradition that ever October we take a trip up to Chilhowee, build a fire, and sit and talk about life. Everything about life. It's finally October and I can't wait for these nights. There's just so much I want to discuss.

My current relationship status: single. I don't want to discuss my lack of dating status but rather how happy I am with my current status. I've had this overwhelming desire to just love my friends and let them know how much I truly care about them. Which is weird if you knew how sarcastic and unaffectionate I am to even my closest friends. But really, I just want them all to know that I think they are wonderful friends and I appreciate their heart and everything they do for me. I'd rather have these amazing people in my life than rely on the love of just one person. At least I would for now. I have no idea how marriage works but most days I'm not ready for that so I need to focus on what I have now.

I need to read Brother Lawrence's book "Practicing the Presence of God." It's all about living in the present and allowing God to work in your present rather than your future. So much value is placed on the next goal or step in life. Graduate college. Get a job. Go to grad school. Meet someone. Get married. Start a family. All these things should make us happy and they do, when they actually come; but if our focus is on the future, these amazing experiences and gifts are underappreciated and glanced over in search of the next big thing.

I won't lie, I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who cares about me. But that's not what God has for me right now and by hoping for that and waiting on that I've been missing out on the gifts He has given me in the present. My best friends are there for me through everything. I can rely on them to constantly carry me and support me. Guy friends that I've only had for a year have shown me what true brotherly love is and how I should be treated as a sister in Christ. There are many thing I want but they are unavailable to me and it's because I'm in a place of healing. I'm learning how to love myself for exactly who I am.

In the past I've changed myself to appeal to people. Not in any extreme sense but just small ways to make myself more attractive to them. This isn't exclusive to dating relationships either. I think we all do this. Around certain people, we turn our charm up a notch or attempt to dress nicer and appear more intelligent. After my last relationship ended I told myself I would never do that again. And then when I developed an attraction to a close friend I found it happening. I started making sure I was available in case he wanted to hang out. I brought up music, movies, and shows we both liked. I emphasized our similarities and chose to avoid our differences. But we ARE different. So different and now I love this. In our differences we learn more about each other and God. We can see the complexities of our friends and the complexities of a God who created us in His image.

If God created us in His image and He created us all different what does that say about Him. That He can't be broken down into the 2000 or so pages that the Bible consists of. He cant be explained wholly in our understanding because we don't even understand ourselves or those closest to us; let alone the combination of all people on earth, past and present, that make up a portion of God's image.

I'm embracing today. I'm embracing 4:35 pm on October 2, 2009 because this is where I am. I'm sitting at my desk, with clothes that need folded on my bed, a kitten sleeping on my lap, and the promise of wholeness in this moment.

I'll have all the things I desire. It's been guaranteed to me. They may not arrive when I prefer them to but they will come when I'm ready. Until then I'm here and in the future wherever I am, you can expect me to be there, as well.

black holes and revelations

Hello summer 09...well in about 2 weeks anyway...

This semester has been so crazy, fun, intense, stressful...pretty much every adjective can be attributed to the last 4 months. I've gone through crushes, about as often as I wash my clothes...which my friends know, is about once a month so it's not as bad as one might first think.

Seriously, I've formed friendships that did not exist January 1st. I've actually been able to get to know some incredible people that just rock my world. Too bad the majority of them are graduating in 2 weeks. I'm not even close to ready for this. It really is not fair. I can't believe I just started to form meaningful relationships and now they're going off to start their lives and I'm stuck here. What am I going to do when it's my turn? Heck, I change my mind every other day. Well, about as often as I change crushes anyway.

Speaking of crushes...hello "soon to be nicknamed" boy

if a girl ever tries to say she's not fickle....she's wrong. just saying. you can argue with me, whatever, but everyone is fickle. we want what we cant have but the second we're given attention, see ya former love interest...hello new love interest that is actually interested

I really do disgust even myself. I'm sure my friends laugh about it when I'm not around but I don't care. I just want a buddy I can have fun with...and possible make out haha... roxie says that puts friendship at risk and encourages crushes..well, I'm okay with that...some days

but all in all...today was a good day...and I may or may not have met my soulmate..or I may meet him at the softball game I'm going to right now.

A spoon full of sugar.....

One year seems like a lifetime when you look forward. But looking back, it seems like an instant.

A year ago, I was in Ohio getting ready for Matt's mom's wedding. At one point on March 7, I found myself talking with my pastor and his wife about the possibility of Matt and I getting married. I had decided that this is what my life was going to be; whether or not I was truly happy in this relationship did not matter. I made a commitment and, as far as I knew, so did he. We had decided 2 years earlier that we would be together and there would never be someone else in either of our lives.



A month or so later, right after driving back to Tennessee from Ohio after Easter, we stopped seeing each other all the time. Something changed during easter weekend. That weekend we tried soo hard to find some reason to stay together, but I think we both knew the end was coming. I fought it. I backed off and gave him space but still tried to salvage our failing relationship. I hung out with him and his friends, went days without hearing from him to give him, and forgave him for gradually breaking my heart piece by piece, day-by-day. In an effort to avoid the age-old girl game of blaming the guy, I won't say he didn't try. I'm sure he did....but what I won't avoid is the fact that while I was working to get through this rough patch, he was lining up someone else to fill my spot. (Ben Folds- song for the dumped)


So much changed in one month. Then so much changed in one day..one hour..one minute

My world was completely changed with two words, "It's over." Words that I had to say and didn't want to. Words that I didn't believe followed by the indifference of a person whom I had loved and poured into for nearly 3 years. Words that began a journey that has completely changed who I am today and rebirthed some of the person I was before him.



Fast forward to today: A year ago, I never ever imagined that this is where I'd be. I've found a new joy in my salvation and relationship with my God. HE has taught me the meaning of true love, the unending fountain of grace, and the importance of humility. He has brought me to a place in which I can love again. Not just a romantic love, but simply a companionable love for all people. My friendships are taking first priority for the first time in 3 years. I've learned to trust my friends with my hurts and allow them to pray for me and love on me.



Thinking about a year from now, everything is going to continue to change. Friends that I've become close with are graduating and leaving. Crushes I've had will come and go. My Dad's health will be better and worse then better again. I'm making life altering decisions daily and each of them has its own course... (insert "Pocahontas: Just around the river bend" this is where my ADD kicks in and I start singing randomly....but, alas, I digress...)

Who knew that this is where I'd be? of course God knew but besides Him...no one. My best friends have seen a change in me. My sister and I have finally healed our relationship and she is one of my closest friends in this world. Alley and I no longer have guys in the way of our crazy and incredible friendship. Old ties I let wear away are finally resewn. It's just awesome how so much can change in such a long and short amount of time.

just dance....

Life has just been incredibly different and weird for me lately. These simply phenomenal people have moved into my life over the last few months, and its seriously been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. im just so thankful for the ways in which they challenge me and the ways in which they pour into my life. Seriously, the simplicity of asking what is going on in my life is awesome to me. You know how we ask those generic questions like "how's life" or "what's going on with you" and we don't really expect an honest answer? Today, a friend of mine answered honestly, and it just impressed me so much. He actually told me what was going on in his life and I was just surprised by his vulnerability..yeah i mean he shares that kinda info anyway, but I don't. and the fact that he was willing to be real with me, just really rocked me for a second and i didn't know what to do next.

I wish I could be that open with everyone. I understand you can't trust everyone and that people will burn you, but seriously... you can't live in fear of that. So long, i've lived in fear of being hurt by other people that i don't allow myself to really show until i trust them. The quiet girl in a large group did not exist one year ago, but i just can't seem to shake her. and the entire time im just chilling, im going back and forth inside my head trying to convince myself to just let loose. i wish i understood it. i wish i knew what to do to be the loud crazy person i am on a regular basis. but so often, when i am that person, some people are just shocked. For example.... if you know me REALLY well... i mean really well...you know i can dance. no, i cant break dance or do any cool junk like that but you better believe i can break it down. but sometimes, when i do..some people are just shocked and then it makes me feel super awkward, the shell comes up, and i shut down... dont ask how, but it just happens.

i blame the quiet girl who has control of my surface-y self. she keeps me hidden until she feels comfy enough to let the real me out. im so sick of it. im sick of being boring. ugh. i seriously need to just stop all this whining, get out there, and dance like my life depends on it.

k, well anyway...... i talked to my dad today.... oh, padre. thankfully he was in a good mood. of course it made accomplishing anything impossible... i swear he's ADD. but listening to him banter with ryan and tara just made my day...and made me miss home a ton. I'm excited about spring break in west palm beach but im not excited about not seeing my family until easter.....

this is soooo random...but im tired and will think of something insightful next time.