It's so easy to seek out the people who hurt us. I don't get it but I do it all the time.
My mother and I have never had a close bond. We've just never seen eye-to-eye. Yet, for so long I would set myself up to be disappointed by her. I would create hope in the crevices that she created the last time she let me down.
I've done the same thing with my romantic relationships. I'm sure all of us have. You enter into a relationship (we can even include friendships in this) and you put this person on a pedestal of perfection. Then, inevitably they become human. They let you down. They leave. They break your heart. Maybe they just want to be friends. Maybe you just want to be friends.
Is this even possible? Does friendship exist when you've been hurt or hurt someone else? Being the idealist I am, I think so. I think you truly can forgive someone for hurting you. For me, it takes accepting them for who they are. Yeah, they screwed up and they suck at life. See that crevice in your heart? It's no fun. But neither is making it larger by packing it with anger. Don't forget how it felt, but don't maintain that pain.
Today I was faced with seeing someone I used to really care about. Someone I thought I had put behind me. My physiological reaction told me there was still something there. A crevice that I forgot to fill with forgiveness. Instead I filled it with hope that he would realize I was waiting for him. A realization he obviously never reached. So I was left with a crack in my foundation that I've attempted to pretend doesn't exist. Result: I found myself feeling hurt again over him and the confusion that exists with him.
Women are really bad about this. We create these fantasies about relationships and before the guy has even asked us out on the first date we've picked out the colors for the wedding. Okay, I don't really do this but I do fantasize about what could be. We all do. Don't deny it. You do it too.
It's nice to hope for something wonderful. Something that would fulfill everything you lack. The danger is when we forget to guard our own heart. When we open ourselves up too much at once and end up with not only cracks in our reserves but a literal abyss.
A very wise friend said this to me when I skyped her to freak out about seeing the former love interest:
"as for the [boy] thing... take it a day at a time. it's ok to get all shaky and discombobulated when you see him you know. you're strong, confident, and deserve better and you know that. all the more reason to only be friends and not worry yourself with anything more because you must focus on what exciting things you have in the future..."
This isn't anything I didn't already know. So why did her saying that make me feel better? Because it made me realize I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy for still needing to recover from having some of my heart broken. I don't need to see a psychiatrist because I've been feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I need to think of what I do have and the ways I've been blessed.
I have an amazing family that supports me in all my antics.
I have incredible friends that let me curl up in their bed when I need a good cry.
I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry.
I am dearly loved by the people around me and a God who carries me on days like today.
I have a desire to help people be happy. How I'll do that is still something I'm figuring out.
There's no need to be a masochist when it comes to relationships. Instead, look for the people that will lift you out of your funk. Who don't even put you there to begin with. The ones who will pray for you without you asking. The people that are willing to pick you up from work in the pouring rain because they know you walked (Thanks, Ezell!).
It makes the crevice moments way less impactful. You're not crazy. Just be smarter about guarding your heart. I'll try to do the same because from our heart bursts the wells of life. And no one wants a dry well.
"Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23
Ok fine. You don't have to wear black in my wedding if you're going to mock me in cyberspace. HAHA. Oh I love you little sis. You are wise beyond your years...
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