"And I'll be awful sometimes. Weakened to my knees.

But I'll get by on the little victories..."

This has been quite the week. I had a couple emotional moments filled with depression, anger, and eventually wholeness. Last week was fall break for the super duper students at Lee U and only Roxie and I were here. Well not true, my former friend that is a male was around but he was a jerkface and as of right now i don't know our friend status. Basically he blew me off for like the last week. It's okay though, we're friends and if he wants to be that way its totally fine.



I'm a very social person. That's code for I hate to be alone. I like to always have people around me. Of course I also adore my alone time but when I need people and there is no one...well, I've discovered I get slightly distraught. I realized when this happened I was not happy with just myself. I've been trying to be somebody different. Someone who is not me. I was questioning who I am, why I'm this way, and why I'm not like other people. I would love to have that woo personality that people are just drawn to... Instead I'm an includer, I like to invite people into relationship rather than them come to me. Honestly, I've always been proud of this aspect of my personality. I love all people and I want everyone to feel loved and worthy. But when this isn't returned to me by those I care about it hurts. I try to act like I don't really care, but I do. I want to be loved as much as I love. I should be loved as much as I love.

My insecurity was due in part to my separation from God. I havent lost faith but I've struggled with feeling close with God and feeling His presence everyday in my life. I simply stopped listening. I'm still working on this; I mean it's not like I can just snap my fingers and my relationship with Christ is fixed. He's already done the work I just have been to busy to be in communion with Him.

So...I've started getting back to the root of my faith. God's loving-kindness that protected me when I rejected Him. His care-giving and love for me. He loved as much as I loved. He loved tons more than I have ever loved. I've been seeking this love from my friends and family but they are incapable of providing it. I became disappointed in them for being themselves because I was unhappy with the person God created me to be: this sensitive person who was meant to love people.

I started asking the questions I've been avoiding like: what passions do I have? why do I have them? what do I do with them? how can I use them in my everyday with people I see everyday?

So I'm asking these questions and digging deep into who I am. As far as answers go, welp, a booming voice did not shake my house. Darn. BUT I'm listening and I know that I'm meant to do what I've always done. Love God, the Me he created me to be, and the you he created you to be. Yeah, I love you. Believe it.