I'm so pumped for fall. Seriously. It is the best season of the year. Change can be seen better in fall than any other season and fall in Tennessee is just gorgeous. Some friends of mine started a tradition that ever October we take a trip up to Chilhowee, build a fire, and sit and talk about life. Everything about life. It's finally October and I can't wait for these nights. There's just so much I want to discuss.
My current relationship status: single. I don't want to discuss my lack of dating status but rather how happy I am with my current status. I've had this overwhelming desire to just love my friends and let them know how much I truly care about them. Which is weird if you knew how sarcastic and unaffectionate I am to even my closest friends. But really, I just want them all to know that I think they are wonderful friends and I appreciate their heart and everything they do for me. I'd rather have these amazing people in my life than rely on the love of just one person. At least I would for now. I have no idea how marriage works but most days I'm not ready for that so I need to focus on what I have now.
I need to read Brother Lawrence's book "Practicing the Presence of God." It's all about living in the present and allowing God to work in your present rather than your future. So much value is placed on the next goal or step in life. Graduate college. Get a job. Go to grad school. Meet someone. Get married. Start a family. All these things should make us happy and they do, when they actually come; but if our focus is on the future, these amazing experiences and gifts are underappreciated and glanced over in search of the next big thing.
I won't lie, I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship with a man who cares about me. But that's not what God has for me right now and by hoping for that and waiting on that I've been missing out on the gifts He has given me in the present. My best friends are there for me through everything. I can rely on them to constantly carry me and support me. Guy friends that I've only had for a year have shown me what true brotherly love is and how I should be treated as a sister in Christ. There are many thing I want but they are unavailable to me and it's because I'm in a place of healing. I'm learning how to love myself for exactly who I am.
In the past I've changed myself to appeal to people. Not in any extreme sense but just small ways to make myself more attractive to them. This isn't exclusive to dating relationships either. I think we all do this. Around certain people, we turn our charm up a notch or attempt to dress nicer and appear more intelligent. After my last relationship ended I told myself I would never do that again. And then when I developed an attraction to a close friend I found it happening. I started making sure I was available in case he wanted to hang out. I brought up music, movies, and shows we both liked. I emphasized our similarities and chose to avoid our differences. But we ARE different. So different and now I love this. In our differences we learn more about each other and God. We can see the complexities of our friends and the complexities of a God who created us in His image. 
If God created us in His image and He created us all different what does that say about Him. That He can't be broken down into the 2000 or so pages that the Bible consists of. He cant be explained wholly in our understanding because we don't even understand ourselves or those closest to us; let alone the combination of all people on earth, past and present, that make up a portion of God's image.
I'm embracing today. I'm embracing 4:35 pm on October 2, 2009 because this is where I am. I'm sitting at my desk, with clothes that need folded on my bed, a kitten sleeping on my lap, and the promise of wholeness in this moment.
I'll have all the things I desire. It's been guaranteed to me. They may not arrive when I prefer them to but they will come when I'm ready. Until then I'm here and in the future wherever I am, you can expect me to be there, as well.
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