Somedays it feels like everything in life is falling apart.
Today is not one of those days.
If I could create a picture of how I'd like most ordinary days to look, it would look like today.
I woke up around 10 am after getting about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Read some of the novel I've been reading (it's not sophisticated so I'm opting out of listing it here), showered, and took my time getting ready for work at 1. At work I was actually really productive and accomplished some things I've been putting off. After work, I finished the novel mentioned earlier (and it wasn't terrible, in fact, it had a few lessons I really needed to hear), went for a run, and made myself pasta for dinner. I watched Gilmore Girls, Glee, and the HBO mini-series on John Adams for the rest of the evening. Okay maybe I snuck in some World Cup analysis action, and caught up on Baseball tonight. A girl's gotta have her sports fix, right?
There was absolutely nothing eventful or exciting about today. I didn't bungee jump, go whitewater rafting, ride a jet ski... All things I love to do. Instead, I was ordinary. And I was content.
Now, don't worry Christin... (as I'm sure you're the only one who reads my blog, but I'm totally okay with that, consider this a book...minus details of my emotional instability)
UGH. I digress. Don't worry, I'm not ready to settle into an ordinary and decidedly dull life. As if I could avoid life-threatening adventures.
However, it really was nice to just have a normal day. No texts full of drama or confusion to offset my contentment. No monetary crises. No one to barge in and make a request of me last minute. It was glorious.
Now, to relate this to one of the lessons my book taught me.
I've spent a lot of time the last couple years trying to make pieces of puzzles fit together that don't. No matter how many times God would put a roadblock there to give me time to see the bigger picture, I would sidestep said obstacle and dig my own path to what I thought was right for me. Man, was I so wrong and so blind.
God has something out there for me that's way bigger than anything I could imagine. How do I know this? Because every time I abandon my plan and follow His I am blessed way more than I had been while I was being stubborn. Now for examples because I like examples...deal with it
- College: I was going to Ohio State. No question. I decided I would since I was a freshman in high school. However, when those housing papers came from OSU in May 2006 I didn't have peace and next thing I know I'm applying to Lee University in Cleveland, TN- a place I've never heard of or seen.
- Boyfriend 1: We dated for 2.5 years starting my senior year of high school. I knew after about a year and a half we weren't good for each other but I chose to remain in the relationship in spit of God telling me to let go. Result- I ended up heartbroken and leaning on the only One who never left me.
- Being single: gosh, this just sucks after having a boyfriend for almost three years. How do you even go back to this. (confession: i still haven't mastered the whole flirting thing again... I still treat guys like besties...but it's whatever. I've always wanted to marry my best friend)
- Dean: yes, that's a code name for a boy. Despite how much I wanted us to be perfect for each other, I knew we weren't and I knew he was not a good guy for me. Of course, I ignored the still small voice and did what i wanted. Result- confusion. heartache. loneliness. desperation. 2nd result- strength. worth. confidence. love for myself.
PS- Thanks, Dean for sucking at life so I could find myself again.
Loneliness is easily the worst feeling I've ever faced. After Boyfriend 1 and I broke up I lived in this emotion. A song that got me through this time had this lyric and I go back to it every time I start to feel alone:
"I will love you unconditionally.
I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep
and I'll hold your hand while you weep and weep.
Daughter, I love you unconditionally"
It was during this difficult time that I realized God's unconditional love for me. His promise to always love me and His consistency when everything is inconsistent on earth. He has never left me feeling abandoned and every time I start to doubt Him the Holy Spirit whispers those lyrics in my heart and I'm reminded of His love for me.
I am still struggling to see the entire puzzle and it's because I'm not supposed to. At this point I have some of the border finished but there's no telling where the pieces in the middle go. Instead I'm having to rely on God to direct my steps. Too bad I have all these ideas but no clue which is the right direction to go. It's pretty exciting to examine all the possibilities and be open to all of them at once.
I think what's more exciting is I haven't decided which one is the one. Nope, I don't have the slightest idea what I want to do or where I want to go. Instead, I'm living in this ordinary day and loving how often I talk to and hear from my Savior. I know that whatever path I choose will be the one He chose before I was created.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13
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