I just wanna live

My uncle just turned 33... and he's dying. that's right, he is dying and there's no doubt about it. he's 13 years older than me, the only boy of 5 kids, and a father of 3. Can you even freaking imagine? I know I can't. I mean it seems like we're all going to live to grow old and wrinkly, but that's not the case for my Uncle Ray. See, he has terminal lung cancer... only it has spread from his lungs to the majority of his body. It's just days now.

My uncle and I were really close when I was little. I remember him always being nice to me, and giving me treats when mom wasnt looking. He was just a really fun guy. of course, over time we grew apart cuz my mom married my dad and Uncle Ray married Mary... I remember when he went away to boot camp, we had this party at his house and for some reason I was convinced he was going away to some war. of course we werent in Iraq then, so it made little sense but nonetheless....

I still cant grasp the idea that come next week, the odds of him being alive are slim and even if he is still holding on he's in intense pain. He is going to die, and someday I'm going to too.

Honestly, I know this may be blasphemous, but I told God how I felt about it... I'm not sure I want Jesus to come back too soon... there's so much I wanna do. I want to sky dive, bungy jump, travel to almost everywhere, get married, have a family, have grandkids, buy a home, live in the city, live in the country, start a ministry and the list goes on.

And yet, I put these things off with hopes of tomorrow. but tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I could die in my sleep or on the way to work tomorrow... so why am i not living my life to the fullest?

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind. To do all the things I want to in the little time I'm here involves very little planning and a huge amount of courage and spontaneity. There's no time for heartbreak or fear. Maybe I just need to say, "Screw it" and buy those plain tickets to Europe or ask that certain someone out to dinner.

My only hope is that when I am called home to be with my God, I can look at him and say I used the time you gave me to do all I could and serve you with all I had within me. If nothing else, I want to be able to say that I made a difference in at least one person.