One day at a time...

Congratulations to me! I have completed the first step to becoming a grown up: Graduating from COLLEGE. That's right. I've got that B.A. degree (quite fitting if i do say so myself) and I'm ready to take on the world. With that comes the reality that I have absolutely no idea where I will be going from here. I can go anywhere, and do anything. Well, not anything because there's only so much you can do with a degree in psychology and a certification in NOTHING. Alas, it's a refreshing feeling to not have a plan for once. So my next series for this blog will be exploring my options as a recently hatched adult.

I'll start with the wretched evil called Job Hunting. That whore we are all cheating on our hobbies and friends with. With unemployment rates at an all-time high, I probably should've chosen to just stay in college for another 10 years or so... You know, to let the economy balance back out. Luckily for me there is no shortage in kids that need social workers/case workers (sad truth). Unfortunately for me, most of those positions require a Master's degree. I knew school would come tap me on the shoulder and remind me that it will always be there to take more money from me and accept more student loan debt accumulating on my credit report.

I've applied for MANY jobs. I say many because I don't want to depress myself with the lack of responses I have had in the last two weeks. BUT fret not, I did receive a rejection. The first rejection of my life. This is a concept I'm going to need to get used to because I've never had to face it head on. I've never been picked last in kickball. I've always made the team and got the office in a club that I wanted. And I never tried something I completely failed at. I'm leaving singing out of this because I can mimic pitches, so I'm sure I can sing somewhere deep, deep down in my subconscious. Speaking of subconscious, I had a dream the other night that I was fluent in ASL... too bad Dream Sierra thought the sign for "fine" was "I'm sorry"... but the dream deaf person I was signing to seemed to understand what I was saying... that's neither here nor there.

After rejection 1, I expected them to come rolling in by the email box full. I've received exactly 0 emails. So tomorrow begins the calls to human resource offices, hiring managers, and grandmothers when I need encouragement to keep going. Wish me luck, but not too much because then I may actually have to decide between two jobs and we all know that I am incapable to making a decision when faced with the opportunity.

Proverbs 3:5-6. My mantra for these next few months. Lord, be with me... A LOT.

viewing home through mud-tinted glasses

Last Friday I made the 8.5 hour drive from Cleveland, TN to Akron, OH to spend two weeks with my family and friends back home. Since I've been here I've spent every single day with my 8 year-old sister. Now, I love my sister. Really, I do. But I'm exhausted and need to spend time with real adults. Not pint-sized ones with unusually large vocabularies.

I guess I forgot that I abandoned my life here to begin a new one in Tennessee. Result: I don't have many friends here that I would hang out with regularly and the ones I do have are married. Bonk. I've spent the last few years seeing this place as being one of great memories and the place I escaped from. I was never looking back because there was no future there.

Now I'm seeing that I might've been wrong.

Which made me realize that coming home after graduation is the same as going anywhere. I'll be starting over. I'll have to make new friends again. Ones that share interests that I've developed in college. I'll have to meet new guys. Ones that share my values and faith (instead of the ones that are just a bunch of trouble/baggage). I thought coming home would be taking steps backward but in reality it's up to me which direction I want to take.

Home isn't the exciting and fun place that it was when I was in high school. I'm not overloaded with school/sports/music and thus I have way too much free time on my hands. The best part is this is something I would've faced anywhere. I'm not saying I'm committing to coming home after graduation in december. But i'm no longer going to consider ohio "home" because in actuality it isn't. Tennessee has become home and Ohio is just somewhere I grew up. If ohio wins out on the pros/cons list I may find myself here in a few months. And if it doesn't I'll be okay with that. I know who I am and I know that wherever I go, I won't be settling for the easy way out. And now I realize that ohio isn't necessarily the easy solution. In fact it may be tougher than others because I no longer fit in a place that I used to own.

On the plus side, I'm visiting some friends tomorrow afternoon and thursday night, and I'm spending time with one of my besties and her husband on friday. things are looking up for this bored chick.

Bleached socks

Today I was reminded of a father's love.

I look to my dad every time I have a problem. The other day while doing laundry I realized my socks looked disgusting. So I decided to bleach them. One problem: I've never bleached anything. In my life. (Well besides my white Nikes... but you know a girl ain't tryin to scuff up her white shoes right?) So naturally, I called Dad. The next day, he texted to check up on how my socks turned out.

I read Jonathan and Melissa Helser's blog entitled "Your thoughts define me" and the story he told about his little girl completely touched my heart. They're in my follow list. Check it out. I was literally moved to tears. A pretty inconvenient situation to be in while sitting at a secretary desk at my job.

This blog made me examine my relationship with my Dad. Or as I prefer to call him, my "Padre."

First off, the man let's me call him Padre. I mean really? A lot of kids have nicknames for their dad. Unfortunately for mine, he didn't get this nickname until I was 16. So now he gets to have it forever. I'll never outgrow it :)

I met my Dad when I was 6 years old. That's when my mom finally introduced us to her boyfriend, Duke. Even after they'd married, I refused to call "Duke" my dad. It literally took years before he gained my trust. You see, I'd been hurt by men who pretended to be father figures in the past. They'd come into our life and then just disappear from it. So I began to immediately reject them before they could reject me. My dad though, he refused to reject me. I would hate him and he would just love me.

Not only did he love me when I turned from him, but he encouraged me in everything I wanted to do. And I wanted to do everything. He let me practice my violin for hours and to this day swears I didn't sound terrible. (I'm not buying it) He played catch with me for hours in the middle of our street when I was learning to play softball. He convinced me I could do anything I wanted, despite what others said. I had coaches who said I would never be good enough to start a game. My dad helped me prove them wrong. And yet, I would curse him and hate him when I got upset.

And yet, despite how much I could despise him sometimes, I still looked to him before anyone else for affirmation. My dad was the one with whom I wanted to share my accomplishments first. My dad was the one who would brag on me and my siblings anytime we did anything right. Even better than that, my dad has never talked bad about us to others. I would make a huge mistake and disappoint him so much, yet I never heard him talk bad about me or my siblings. While others would focus on my sister's weight, or my brother's drug use, my dad would tell them about my sister's willingness to do anything for anyone and my brother's hilarious sense of humor.

My dad amazes me. And he swears I amaze him. My dad encourages me. He says his kids are the encouragement for him. My dad affirms me. He gets embarrassed when we tell him how great he is.

Living 600 miles from home I sometimes feel forgotten. I have this need to be needed. Anytime I do something good, I immediately call Dad to tell him. I need to hear him say how good I've been. At 22, I still need my dad to tell me that I'm doing good and that he's proud. It's funny that I feel this way considering how I outright rejected him 14 years ago.

And yet, my Dad is 100% human. He makes huge mistakes. He disappoints me sometimes. He loses his temper.

As I sit here and think about it, I'm struck with a really awesome realization. I guess I never really thought about it, but I'm confident it was my earthly father's love that made accepting God's love easy.

My Dad never required me to change in order for him to accept me. God accepted me when I rejected him and avoided him for years. My dad was an example of God's love and was placed in my life so that when I finally accepted salvation, I would be able to trust God to love me unconditionally.

Similar to my relationship with Padre, I keep finding myself running to God for affirmation when I do something good. When I read a book that challenges me spiritually or spend time in the Word, I don't outright say it but I feel this unconscious "look" to God asking " Do you see how much I love you, God? Am I pretty Father? Did I do good, Abba? "

For too long, I’ve been trying to make everyone happy without being true to the desires God has placed in my heart. God deserves for me to be the girl he is making me into. He gave everything so that I may have eternal life. He sacrificed his only son. I can't even sacrifice my favorite stuffed animal, yet God gave me the life of his son so that some day I can walk the streets of heaven with him. He loved me that much. I want God to look at me and say that I'm beautiful. That I've done good. That he knows how much I love him. Because I KNOW he's looking at my heart.

As for the rest of the world, I'm done caring what you all think. Some may think I'm a "bible-thumper" while others will think I'm too liberal to be a good Christian. Well I could care less. I'm done hiding from my faith and the person that I'm meant to be. I've been blessed with an earthly father that supports me in everything I do and a Heavenly Father who is blessing everything I touch. And I will praise him, even when it forces me out of the places that are comfortable and into unknown territory.

I'm ready Lord. Send me.

Okay, maybe I’m not completely ready… but I’m working on it :)

Love you Abba. You too Padre.

Puzzles and Struggles

Somedays it feels like everything in life is falling apart.

Today is not one of those days.

If I could create a picture of how I'd like most ordinary days to look, it would look like today.

I woke up around 10 am after getting about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Read some of the novel I've been reading (it's not sophisticated so I'm opting out of listing it here), showered, and took my time getting ready for work at 1. At work I was actually really productive and accomplished some things I've been putting off. After work, I finished the novel mentioned earlier (and it wasn't terrible, in fact, it had a few lessons I really needed to hear), went for a run, and made myself pasta for dinner. I watched Gilmore Girls, Glee, and the HBO mini-series on John Adams for the rest of the evening. Okay maybe I snuck in some World Cup analysis action, and caught up on Baseball tonight. A girl's gotta have her sports fix, right?

There was absolutely nothing eventful or exciting about today. I didn't bungee jump, go whitewater rafting, ride a jet ski... All things I love to do. Instead, I was ordinary. And I was content.

Now, don't worry Christin... (as I'm sure you're the only one who reads my blog, but I'm totally okay with that, consider this a book...minus details of my emotional instability)

UGH. I digress. Don't worry, I'm not ready to settle into an ordinary and decidedly dull life. As if I could avoid life-threatening adventures.

However, it really was nice to just have a normal day. No texts full of drama or confusion to offset my contentment. No monetary crises. No one to barge in and make a request of me last minute. It was glorious.

Now, to relate this to one of the lessons my book taught me.

I've spent a lot of time the last couple years trying to make pieces of puzzles fit together that don't. No matter how many times God would put a roadblock there to give me time to see the bigger picture, I would sidestep said obstacle and dig my own path to what I thought was right for me. Man, was I so wrong and so blind.

God has something out there for me that's way bigger than anything I could imagine. How do I know this? Because every time I abandon my plan and follow His I am blessed way more than I had been while I was being stubborn. Now for examples because I like examples...deal with it

- College: I was going to Ohio State. No question. I decided I would since I was a freshman in high school. However, when those housing papers came from OSU in May 2006 I didn't have peace and next thing I know I'm applying to Lee University in Cleveland, TN- a place I've never heard of or seen.

- Boyfriend 1: We dated for 2.5 years starting my senior year of high school. I knew after about a year and a half we weren't good for each other but I chose to remain in the relationship in spit of God telling me to let go. Result- I ended up heartbroken and leaning on the only One who never left me.

- Being single: gosh, this just sucks after having a boyfriend for almost three years. How do you even go back to this. (confession: i still haven't mastered the whole flirting thing again... I still treat guys like besties...but it's whatever. I've always wanted to marry my best friend)

- Dean: yes, that's a code name for a boy. Despite how much I wanted us to be perfect for each other, I knew we weren't and I knew he was not a good guy for me. Of course, I ignored the still small voice and did what i wanted. Result- confusion. heartache. loneliness. desperation. 2nd result- strength. worth. confidence. love for myself.

PS- Thanks, Dean for sucking at life so I could find myself again.

Loneliness is easily the worst feeling I've ever faced. After Boyfriend 1 and I broke up I lived in this emotion. A song that got me through this time had this lyric and I go back to it every time I start to feel alone:

"I will love you unconditionally.

I'll wrap my arms around you when you can't sleep

and I'll hold your hand while you weep and weep.

Daughter, I love you unconditionally"

It was during this difficult time that I realized God's unconditional love for me. His promise to always love me and His consistency when everything is inconsistent on earth. He has never left me feeling abandoned and every time I start to doubt Him the Holy Spirit whispers those lyrics in my heart and I'm reminded of His love for me.

I am still struggling to see the entire puzzle and it's because I'm not supposed to. At this point I have some of the border finished but there's no telling where the pieces in the middle go. Instead I'm having to rely on God to direct my steps. Too bad I have all these ideas but no clue which is the right direction to go. It's pretty exciting to examine all the possibilities and be open to all of them at once.

I think what's more exciting is I haven't decided which one is the one. Nope, I don't have the slightest idea what I want to do or where I want to go. Instead, I'm living in this ordinary day and loving how often I talk to and hear from my Savior. I know that whatever path I choose will be the one He chose before I was created.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. -Jeremiah 29:13

Just Listen

At this time 22 years ago, I was slowly forcing my way out of my mother's uterus... little did she know I'd be such a perfect child.

22.

It's my perfect palindrome. I won't be able to write my age the same way backward and forward for another 11 years... and by then I doubt I'll care. I'll probably be depressed because I'm in my 30s... maybe I'll be dead and never have to worry about that sorta thing :)

I'm just over halfway through the second best day of the year (next to thanksgiving, where gluttony is celebrated) and this birthday is already incredibly different than the last. For instance, i received almost 30 facebook comments before i went to bed last night. Now I'm not giving facebookers much credit. I mean you literally did the one thing that took the smallest bit of effort. Heaven forbid one calls or texts. Regardless, I probably received that many in the entire day of my birth last June.

So riddle me this, what has changed? the only answer I can come up with is an effort to invest in relationships. I realized starting last fall that I really love people and I want them to know that. And everyone knows the best way to gain the affections of another is to ask them questions about themselves and let them ramble about how awesome they are for a while. You look like you actually care and they walk away feeling as if you did too. Don't get me wrong, I do care. I just wish I wasn't the only one who spent as much time listening as I do.

"Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request." -Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." -Ralph Nichols

Most of my friends don't know a great deal about me. They know they like me. I'm funny, smart, athletic... (it's my birthday I'm allowed to talk about how great I am) but they don't know why I'm this way. Nor have they bothered to ask. Many of them have no clue how many siblings I have, what their names are, that my parents are divorced, that my dad had cancer.


I love people because I know their story. I know what they've overcome to be the amazing individual they are (or sometimes aren't.) And I know their stories because I showed interest in who they are. This blog isn't an effort to guilt trip anyone or acquire sympathy from others. I don't need it, promise. I have a TON and literally I mean a TON of friends that I have and will always consider friends. But I long for those deep relationships in which they know why I check my lock 3 times on my car; why I still sleep with a stuffed animal I got when I was 6; why I choose to be trusting despite people's dark nature. None of these have to do with natural tendencies. They're all a result of life experience.


How well do you know your friends? The people you eat lunch with everyday, whether it's in the lunch room, dining hall, office break room... what's their middle name? why is it? Where are their parents from? How many siblings do they have? Where do they fall in birth order?


Maybe it's the sentimental psychologist in me. I don't know. But on a day that is marked by the moment I entered this world, I'm faced with the reality that I've lived 22 years and the people who have taken an interest in my life are the ones that remain close to me.

"Man's inability to communicate is a result of his failure to listen effectively." -Carl Rogers (I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY)

So take this day to examine your relationships. Ask somebody about their life and their family. Try to learn why they are the way they are and see if they do the same for you. I doubt they will. Then ask yourself, "am I listening as much as I'm talking?"

We all desire to be known. But first, I think we should know each other.

"I'm listening baby." -My dad

Masochist

It's so easy to seek out the people who hurt us. I don't get it but I do it all the time.

My mother and I have never had a close bond. We've just never seen eye-to-eye. Yet, for so long I would set myself up to be disappointed by her. I would create hope in the crevices that she created the last time she let me down.

I've done the same thing with my romantic relationships. I'm sure all of us have. You enter into a relationship (we can even include friendships in this) and you put this person on a pedestal of perfection. Then, inevitably they become human. They let you down. They leave. They break your heart. Maybe they just want to be friends. Maybe you just want to be friends.

Is this even possible? Does friendship exist when you've been hurt or hurt someone else? Being the idealist I am, I think so. I think you truly can forgive someone for hurting you. For me, it takes accepting them for who they are. Yeah, they screwed up and they suck at life. See that crevice in your heart? It's no fun. But neither is making it larger by packing it with anger. Don't forget how it felt, but don't maintain that pain.

Today I was faced with seeing someone I used to really care about. Someone I thought I had put behind me. My physiological reaction told me there was still something there. A crevice that I forgot to fill with forgiveness. Instead I filled it with hope that he would realize I was waiting for him. A realization he obviously never reached. So I was left with a crack in my foundation that I've attempted to pretend doesn't exist. Result: I found myself feeling hurt again over him and the confusion that exists with him.

Women are really bad about this. We create these fantasies about relationships and before the guy has even asked us out on the first date we've picked out the colors for the wedding. Okay, I don't really do this but I do fantasize about what could be. We all do. Don't deny it. You do it too.

It's nice to hope for something wonderful. Something that would fulfill everything you lack. The danger is when we forget to guard our own heart. When we open ourselves up too much at once and end up with not only cracks in our reserves but a literal abyss.

A very wise friend said this to me when I skyped her to freak out about seeing the former love interest:
"as for the [boy] thing... take it a day at a time. it's ok to get all shaky and discombobulated when you see him you know. you're strong, confident, and deserve better and you know that. all the more reason to only be friends and not worry yourself with anything more because you must focus on what exciting things you have in the future..."

This isn't anything I didn't already know. So why did her saying that make me feel better? Because it made me realize I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy for still needing to recover from having some of my heart broken. I don't need to see a psychiatrist because I've been feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I need to think of what I do have and the ways I've been blessed.

I have an amazing family that supports me in all my antics.
I have incredible friends that let me curl up in their bed when I need a good cry.
I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry.
I am dearly loved by the people around me and a God who carries me on days like today.
I have a desire to help people be happy. How I'll do that is still something I'm figuring out.

There's no need to be a masochist when it comes to relationships. Instead, look for the people that will lift you out of your funk. Who don't even put you there to begin with. The ones who will pray for you without you asking. The people that are willing to pick you up from work in the pouring rain because they know you walked (Thanks, Ezell!).

It makes the crevice moments way less impactful. You're not crazy. Just be smarter about guarding your heart. I'll try to do the same because from our heart bursts the wells of life. And no one wants a dry well.

"Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Sabaah ilxeer!

Guess who's back? Back again... Sierra's back... tell a friend.
(preferably a single one)

I've been back in the states for nearly a week now. Egypt was such an incredible experience. I saw the pyramids, some ancient temples, and every childhood fantasy I had about going to Egypt came true.

Inside scoop: growing up in Akron, Ohio I was obsessed with Ancient Egypt. Literally, I read every story and book I could find.

I went to Egypt expecting an ancient people... Instead I found a modern city (Cairo) and remnants from ancient times (Luxor, Aswan)... And I found a people that laugh and love in a way so similar to ours yet different. there's really no adequate way to express this; but i will say that it puts southern hospitality to shame. for real.

I fell in love with Egypt and left a great deal of myself there... and I'm not talking about in the form of digestion. I was one of two people on our trip who didn't get diarrhea.

Egypt top 10

1. The Pyramids at Giza: we legit climbed up them and took a picture... okay not to the top but climbing did occur.
2. Cairo traffic: honestly, riding in a bus through Cairo was terrifying. I can only imagine attempting to navigate it yourself.
3. Ice cream and pastry shop: located on a roundabout in Al-Agouza. Seriously, the best ice cream I've ever had topped off with amazing chocolate cake creations. UGH.
4. Intern Brian: he hooked us up with deals like everywhere we went and was our cultural crutch. I'm sure we made him nervous with our willingness to talk to strange Egyptian men and wander off on our own.
5. Mafia: not the Egyptian one... the card game. We played it with our trip directors, the program directors in Cairo, at St. Catherine's Monastery, and we would've played atop Mt. Sinai if we had brought the cards.
6. Mosque: on the first friday in Cairo we attended a service at a nearby mosque. I got dressed in a higab (head covering) and it was interesting how similar it was to a christian service... Okay not similar really at all BUT there was a message and it was on morality... not to mention the fact that it centered on the importance of a moral woman b/c she brings the downfall... sound familiar saints?
7. FOOD: okay I know I already listed ice cream but the fruit and Egyptian food made my life! Kusheri, bashbussa (I'm guessing on that spelling), and the best watermelon of my life are forever etched in my stomach's memory. Besides, what kind of sloppy American would I be if I didn't appreciate the food?
8. Temples....Temples.....and more Temples: Even though I may have felt slightly temple'd out by the end of our Nile Cruise, it was awesome being there. To think I was walking on the same ground ancient egyptians had... and touched the same hierglyphics they touched totally blows my mind. I wish time travel was possible... seriously though.
9. Snorkelling in Dahab: This place...ugh... there are no words. I didn't understand when Brian couldn't describe it to us but really it's just phenomenal. The funny thing is, sure the water is the amazing shade of blue...but when you look at the landscape it's stark and brown... and then when you look under the water, it's this amazing world of every color and fish imaginable... seriously? Go. now. don't think about it... just buy the ticket and go.
10. Hiking Mt. Sinai: who needs to ride a camel up? i thought i was going to die, but it was such a great experience. besides, if Moses can do it at 90, so can you!

Readjusting to American life has been interesting. Not as dramatic as I expected, but I do miss Egypt a lot. Who knows, maybe someday I'll find myself there again.

Speaking of maybe someday....

The situation with the boy reached its climax about 2 months ago, and has been on a downward slope since. Going to Egypt let me finally let him go. So, dearest confusing male whom I had high hopes for-- see ya. I'm ready for something better.

stay tuned for more summer misadventures... it's only June :)

Leaving on a jet plane...

In the morning I'll be getting on a bus to Atlanta... Where I'll board a plane to begin my trek to Cairo, Egypt.

Is this real life? Sure, seeing the pyramids and climbing Mt. Sinai. are both on my bucket list, but I honestly didn't think I'd get to do them for quite some time, if ever. Yet, here I am. About to set out on an adventure of a lifetime... Add in two of my closest friends and there's bound to be some misadventures too.

Early morning and a looooong day ahead so I'm gonna hit the hay :)

Oh, and to close out... I'm gonna post a sonnet to the Passport agency in honor of receiving my passport this morning.

An Ode to the Passport Agency:

Passport, passport oh where could you be?

They act like you're made from gold

when it's really just trees!

Passport, passport I just want to leave.

So I can go to the land of dead Kings

And kitties that don't skeet!

Miss Passport Agency Help Center Lady,

I've memorized the steps it takes to hear your voice

You tell me I have no choice

But to freak out and cry

Can't you at least try?

Routine? Expedite? Overnite?

I feel like I'm Tom Hanks with no Wilson

Just let me go to Egypt to meet Australians

Waited outside the FedEx today

Creeper status but hey

Guess who has her passport?

This chick.

Take that Passport Agency Trick.

انظر يا أمريكا

aka....

see ya America,

-ce

boring, boring day

I absolutely love strengths. I'm not just talking about the strengths you make up in a job interview... I'm talking the strengths from Gallup's StrengthsQuest. Make fun of me, it's okay. But I work on campus in the office that administers this personality test and sets up motivational talks integrating strengths into vocation.

That said, I absolutely love strengths. They give such insight into who we are as individuals yet allow us to see similarities between each other.

My strengths in order are:

Includer

Positivity

Harmony

Developer

Belief

Straight up hippie strengths... but I see those five words and I see myself in them.

Includer: I love to bring people in. To invite them into relationship with me. This also gets me in trouble when it comes to boys because apparently it sends mixed messages. Nah, they just fall for my perfect mix of sweet and sarcastic.

Positivity: I consistently look for the upside in any situation. Rather than focus on what could go wrong and stress about it, I relax and hope for the best. (key example: freaking passport)

Harmony: making everyone comfortable in a situation is way important to me. I can blend with just about any group of people without feeling like I need to change or they need to change. Instead I have this innate acceptance of who people are. Sure they still drive me crazy, but they also let me be crazy when I need to.

Developer: This is the Social Worker within me. I gain such a great sense of satisfaction when I help someone else move from point A to point B. When I can be a supporting force, yet I see them make choices for themselves to change and live. This should be higher in the ranks, I think.

Belief: I base my choices on a set of core values. These values are a huge part of who I am and most of them are rooted in the teachings of my Dad. I was not raised in a Church-centered home, yet I have an extremely strong moral compass and I have him to thank for that.

Not sure why I decided to blog about my strengths. I guess I just needed an excuse not to facebook stalk the boy. Let's just go through my day... thats what this junk is for right?

7:30 am- Rise and shine... and write a short paper... thanks summer school

8:30 am- class... I wanted to die of boredom. 3 1/2 hours of one class is enough to make anyone miserable even if it's interesting. We discussed the separation of church/state... Which I've decided I'm in favor of. (Don't tell Westboro Baptist... they'll picket outside of my house next)

12:00- Yay! no more class. Shopping for Egypt appropriate clothing. Let's be real... that's code for ankle length skirts and loose fitting tops. I have boobs... they already hate Egypt.

The rest of the day is a blur. I wish I was somewhere cool that would have tons of new adventures and places to explore everyday.

Oh and I bought a new bra from Victoria Secret. This is so sad.

Let's get to the bottom of why I had to blog: Boy. Well, it's more like lack thereof. Still strong in my fast... except it's getting both easier and harder to not talk to him. I mean, let's be real, I'm leaving on Sunday for Egypt for 2.5 weeks. A lot can happen in that amount of time.. Including me being forgotten....

I read in a book today (He's just not that into you) and the author said this, "You are not so easily forgotten. Let him miss you." sigh... okay, okay! I'm doing just that... but I really want to say bye and/or hang out before I leave... NOPE not doing it... Okay I might send a "see ya" text tomorrow..... but if my friends have anything to do with it... that's not going to happen either.

Yeah, I may be semi-pathetic. But hey, I don't care. At least I have a boy to fast.

Living in Passport Hell

Passport chaos 101.

Flashback to April 30, 2010.

It was a sunny Friday and I was applying for my passport. The woman behind the desk assured me this cursed book would arrive at my house within 7-10 days.

Flash forward to May 10, 2010.... My passport application JUST arrived at the Agency.

Stress factor: I leave for EGYPT on MAY 16th!

yeah....

I really need this to all work out or guess what? I'm not graduating in December. NOT OKAY. Not to mention the fact I already paid for my study abroad trip. This cannot be real life.

Lighter note:

Day 2 of playing tennis and replacing boredom with activities (rather than eating). Not gonna lie, my forehand is getting sick... my backhand is a whole different story though... Who knows... I may give Serena a run for her money

Oh and I really do have an amazing group of friends.

The roommates: Lindsay and Jess

The besties since college started: Lindsay (again) and Roxie

International bffs: Christin... i need more... so the bffs is a bffs instead of bff

Lifetime Homie: Alley... coming up on our 10th anniversary of most bestest friendship

Honestly, these people help me survive life. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Boy Fast update: still holding strong. Got a text from an old friend today... should've married him a long time ago. Hindsight. It's nice to talk to people you really click with though. It's never been any work for us to just sit and talk for hours. I love that. Who knows... Maybe someday. At least HE appreciates my Buckeyes. Legit Ohioans are always good for that much. But it's like he always says, what's meant to be will be... so I'll keep living life and see where the road takes me :)

Talked to Padre today (that's my dad) and we just shot the sh*t.... as he would say. It was nice to have a normal conversation with no stress of money or school mixed in. Speaking of school... definitely made all A's and one A-.... NBD. So excited. Back on that Dean's List and I'm officially graduating Magna Cum Laude! Everything I worked for is happening and it's all because of me, no one else :)

Tomorrow's agenda:

Tennis with Allison and Lindsay at 11 AM. Class at 1 PM.... just remembered I haven't done the research for my powerpoint... Nor have I studied my terms for the quiz... Guess I should probably get some sleep so I can get up early enough to take care of that...

-ce

A lot happens in 3 months....

There are some people who just rock at this whole blogging thing. And then there's ME.

Let's just say I'm a commitment-phobe. But really, I am. That and I can barely remember to shower daily, let alone sit at a computer and type out the happenings of my extremely interesting and fast-paced college life.

But don't stress... Summer has returned! As in the season, not the person. And with summer comes endless hours/days/weeks of not much of anything else for me to do other than pour out my emotions, activities, and adventures via internet postings. Clearly, I know I don't have a whole hoard of followers waiting each day to hear what I have to say. However, I plan to use

this as a way to look back on my life.

Let's see... How about a quick rundown of my life since February.

• Retreat with Epsilon Lambda Phi- Gatlinburg, TN. BUNGEE JUMPING (3x) and having the best weekend of my life... well it's in the top 20 anyway.
  
  
• Spring Break- Estero, FL.... bingo, shuffleboard, Grandma Diana and my great-grandmother.gosh I really should've blogged about that. It was the antithesis of all my friends' spring break and I loved it!
• Easter Weekend- Spent in good ole Cleveland, TN... Until my best friend Roxie and I decided to drive to Savannah, GA on Easter Sunday. We spent the night in my minivan (Peggy) in a Wal-Mart parking lot. The next morning we were up early enough for McDonald's breakfast (hashbrowns, holla) and at the beach by 10 AM. Get on our level. And we were home by Midnight. Roxie had an exam on tuesday morning at 7:45 am. Let's be honest here, that was one of the coolest things I've done on a complete whim.
• Turned over Presidency of Epsilon to my roommate Jessica.
• filed my taxes and got that refund. HOLLA.
• Oh yeah, and I "wogged" the Country Music Half Marathon on April 24. Wogged is a word I coined myself. It's a combo of walk and jog... in case you were struggling to figure it out. It was an incredible experience and I'm excited to build on the success I felt with barely finishing it. Maybe I'll actually train for my next half... which happens to be the Nike Women's Half in Nashville this September :)
• Signed up for a study abroad trip to EGYPT. Yeah, another rash decision but it's perfect.

Finished my finals 2 weeks ago and I've just been hanging out. I said goodbye to my best friend who moved to Thailand to teach for a year. Definitely the hardest goodbye I've ever had. Seriously, I didn't cry when I left my family to move here... or my boyfriend at the time. But somewhere along the line in the past two years, I've created friendships with people I saw daily and I know I won't physically be in her presence until next May. But I'm beyond excited to see what God does in that amount of time. So much happens in such a short amount of time.

I'm currently fasting a boy... as in, I'm not texting or calling him. I guess I'm just ready for him to miss me some...and see what it's like when I'm not around. Maybe then he won't be such an "eenie meenie miney mo lover." This fast will be MUCH easier come Sunday when I fly out of Atlanta, GA to Cairo, Egypt. I'm not taking my phone or computer so I'll be able to fully BE THERE. And sure, I'll keep telling myself I won't think about him. Maybe it'll actually happen because it's an epic fail as long as he's just across town.

When I get back, I'm gonna need to see my family. I haven't seen them since January 5th when I left Ohio to go back to school. HOMESICKNESS to the max. BUT it's also getting easier each day that I push through missing them. It's getting me ready for growing up and being a big girl. aka, I'll be able to move and not have my school breaks to see them.

hmmm..... summer.... feels right.

10 things that are ruining my days... emo alert

It's late, but there's just a few things to get off my chest in a moment of emo-ness.'

1. I hate that every time I look up at night a memory surfaces.

2. I hate that song that you loved that is now stuck in my head all the time.

3. I wish timing didn't matter and regrets didn't exist

4. I really do wonder if I cross your mind

5. Even after all the crap I can't say I would completely rule it out.

6. I miss being content

7. I despise being that girl, but I can't help but be her

8. I'm done hoping. Everything happens for a reason and Everything doesn't happen for one too

9. Still.... maybe someday

10. And if not, I'm glad this friendship continues to exist even if you won't see me

Goodnight. Church in the AM. Epsilon in the PM.

You have a drumstick and your brain stops ticking

First blog of 2010... where to begin?

I spent Christmas break in Ohio with the famdizzle and for once I did not work. Instead, I spent time catching up on the sleep that I didn't get all last semester and I just sat with my Dad and siblings. It was such an amazing reminder that when I feel like I am completely alone my family is always there; even when we are living 600 miles apart. When I say I just sat, I am NOT exaggerating. The week after Christmas, Padre always has the entire week off and usually we go sled riding, clean the house, and watch college football. (bowl season, duh) The one thing I miss more about home than anything else is going in Dad's room and just sitting on the bed or floor and talking about all the issues I'm dealing. If you know me, you know these tend to float towards the dating scene. Basically, I make a mess of all relationships and as the female clone of my father he tries to encourage me to keep going. Here's the trend: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. girl hangs out with boy for about two weeks. girl realizes attachment is forming and runs.

If you want the model my dad follows, switch genders. we are the same person 19 years apart.

It's the 2nd day in February and I find myself ten months from my graduation date. HOLY HANNAH. Honestly, I do not want to go. Yes, I love Boston (though I've never actually been there). Yes, I do not want to move back to Ohio (though when I'm with my family, I am content). No, I never saw myself staying in Cleveland (though that is beginning to change with time).

What do I do?

Clearly, I don't have the answer. In fact, Im far from it. But for the first time in a long time, I'm not planning my life around the future or things I want eventually. Instead, I'm just enjoying these last few months as a college undergrad. I'm opening myself up to possibilities that I usually close the door on. Geek Alert: This whole situation reminds me of Skinner's box. For the last few years, I've planned everything I do (and don't do) around the plans I had for the future. Now that I'm not doing that, you'd expect me to get the things I want now. (I tend to push things out of my life that don't fit my plan.) Well, instead of doing that I'm being open to anything that might happen...and I'm not getting anything that I want. FAIL. Hello Variable Ratio at its finest. Life is giving me the reinforcements I want but not always when I want them.

All whining, kicking, and screaming aside... I'm accepting this. Most days anyway. I mean let's be real, you can't possibly expect me to be "happy" when I want to date someone who wants to date someone else and I have to learn to put attraction aside and be their friend. I always get what I want and not getting it is becoming an issue that I am being forced to accept. But it really is happening and I'm in friend mode on all fronts. I want to be a better friend than I have been and a better believer than I have been. "Believer" is christianese for Christian, and lately I've been slacking on that front. I've been replacing my need to be in close relationship with God with relationships with friends and family. Obviously these people are incredible but they are incapable of filling the void I was trying to place them in.

It'll be interesting to see how the next months pan out. But I'm excited about it because for the first time I have NO IDEA where I'll be.