A spoon full of sugar.....

One year seems like a lifetime when you look forward. But looking back, it seems like an instant.

A year ago, I was in Ohio getting ready for Matt's mom's wedding. At one point on March 7, I found myself talking with my pastor and his wife about the possibility of Matt and I getting married. I had decided that this is what my life was going to be; whether or not I was truly happy in this relationship did not matter. I made a commitment and, as far as I knew, so did he. We had decided 2 years earlier that we would be together and there would never be someone else in either of our lives.



A month or so later, right after driving back to Tennessee from Ohio after Easter, we stopped seeing each other all the time. Something changed during easter weekend. That weekend we tried soo hard to find some reason to stay together, but I think we both knew the end was coming. I fought it. I backed off and gave him space but still tried to salvage our failing relationship. I hung out with him and his friends, went days without hearing from him to give him, and forgave him for gradually breaking my heart piece by piece, day-by-day. In an effort to avoid the age-old girl game of blaming the guy, I won't say he didn't try. I'm sure he did....but what I won't avoid is the fact that while I was working to get through this rough patch, he was lining up someone else to fill my spot. (Ben Folds- song for the dumped)


So much changed in one month. Then so much changed in one day..one hour..one minute

My world was completely changed with two words, "It's over." Words that I had to say and didn't want to. Words that I didn't believe followed by the indifference of a person whom I had loved and poured into for nearly 3 years. Words that began a journey that has completely changed who I am today and rebirthed some of the person I was before him.



Fast forward to today: A year ago, I never ever imagined that this is where I'd be. I've found a new joy in my salvation and relationship with my God. HE has taught me the meaning of true love, the unending fountain of grace, and the importance of humility. He has brought me to a place in which I can love again. Not just a romantic love, but simply a companionable love for all people. My friendships are taking first priority for the first time in 3 years. I've learned to trust my friends with my hurts and allow them to pray for me and love on me.



Thinking about a year from now, everything is going to continue to change. Friends that I've become close with are graduating and leaving. Crushes I've had will come and go. My Dad's health will be better and worse then better again. I'm making life altering decisions daily and each of them has its own course... (insert "Pocahontas: Just around the river bend" this is where my ADD kicks in and I start singing randomly....but, alas, I digress...)

Who knew that this is where I'd be? of course God knew but besides Him...no one. My best friends have seen a change in me. My sister and I have finally healed our relationship and she is one of my closest friends in this world. Alley and I no longer have guys in the way of our crazy and incredible friendship. Old ties I let wear away are finally resewn. It's just awesome how so much can change in such a long and short amount of time.

just dance....

Life has just been incredibly different and weird for me lately. These simply phenomenal people have moved into my life over the last few months, and its seriously been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. im just so thankful for the ways in which they challenge me and the ways in which they pour into my life. Seriously, the simplicity of asking what is going on in my life is awesome to me. You know how we ask those generic questions like "how's life" or "what's going on with you" and we don't really expect an honest answer? Today, a friend of mine answered honestly, and it just impressed me so much. He actually told me what was going on in his life and I was just surprised by his vulnerability..yeah i mean he shares that kinda info anyway, but I don't. and the fact that he was willing to be real with me, just really rocked me for a second and i didn't know what to do next.

I wish I could be that open with everyone. I understand you can't trust everyone and that people will burn you, but seriously... you can't live in fear of that. So long, i've lived in fear of being hurt by other people that i don't allow myself to really show until i trust them. The quiet girl in a large group did not exist one year ago, but i just can't seem to shake her. and the entire time im just chilling, im going back and forth inside my head trying to convince myself to just let loose. i wish i understood it. i wish i knew what to do to be the loud crazy person i am on a regular basis. but so often, when i am that person, some people are just shocked. For example.... if you know me REALLY well... i mean really well...you know i can dance. no, i cant break dance or do any cool junk like that but you better believe i can break it down. but sometimes, when i do..some people are just shocked and then it makes me feel super awkward, the shell comes up, and i shut down... dont ask how, but it just happens.

i blame the quiet girl who has control of my surface-y self. she keeps me hidden until she feels comfy enough to let the real me out. im so sick of it. im sick of being boring. ugh. i seriously need to just stop all this whining, get out there, and dance like my life depends on it.

k, well anyway...... i talked to my dad today.... oh, padre. thankfully he was in a good mood. of course it made accomplishing anything impossible... i swear he's ADD. but listening to him banter with ryan and tara just made my day...and made me miss home a ton. I'm excited about spring break in west palm beach but im not excited about not seeing my family until easter.....

this is soooo random...but im tired and will think of something insightful next time.

i smoke clowns like you on the b-ball court

basically, i've been hearing for weeks from my roommate that i need to blog... why? i have absolutely no idea. anyway, in order to relinquish myself of this voice in the back of my head, i've decided to post a blog about next to nothing at all. quite an accomplishment if i do say so myself.

last weekend epsilon went on retreat to good ole gatlinburg... it was amazing... this picture is our the perfect view and our wonderful hammock... i absolutely loved it.

relationship status: single of course. i mean its not like im not interested in the opposite sex. believe me, im most def interested. unfortunately there seems to be a lack of reciprocation. haha... except for one particular male who just enjoys cruel and unusual punishment.

despite this, im rather content in my single-ness. i've had more time to focus on me, and my future...

Why must i have a graduate degree to practice social work? i think that's lame. just train me, geez. i'm not looking forward to an additional 2-3 years after i get my bachelors... but i am looking forward to a new city. look out boston/new york/ cali/ texas/pretty much everywhere..

there foxann, i hope ur appeased.... :)

It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh

My body basically hates me right now. We went out on the lake yesterday and for some reason or another I decided that tubing was fun.... well it is until you have to hold your fat self on the freaking tube while being pulled around by a speed boat... yeah so my legs kept dragging in the water... hilarious to watch albeit slightly painful. Anyway, today my upper body hurts like all heck.

it was pretty fun though, i cant lie.

Watching my sister try and pull herself up onto that tube: now THAT was the funniest thing I have ever watched. I havent laughed like that in years. I even peed a little... I'm not ashamed to admit!

I've been reading almost non-stop all summer and my money supply is too low to continue buying. I'm going to start rereading soon. I've decided that this and playing clarinet are my two coping mechanisms. They're the only way I escape this unfair reality and slip into something translucent. It's pretty amazing.

I've given up on the male species. They are generally incapable of seeing worth. Though I'm not a supermodel, I am still amazing and I refuse to just settle for someone that is not serious about me or that I'm not genuinely interested in. I've come to realize that I'm going to be single for a while, but I guess that's okay. I've had a lot more fun since I've been single than I did the 2 1/2 years I was dating. That certainly says something.

This Friday: RASCAL FLATTS and TAYLOR SWIFT

Next weekend: CEDAR POINT!!! possibly a visit from Roxy... I'm serious I'll drive 600 miles and pick ur butt up! and BREAKING DAWN.....

this summer is almost over and I can't believe it

Favorite song: (well for now anyway) Rascal Flatts- No reins
She left that loser in a dust cloud
Heart in his hand, chin on the ground
Cried her last tear for that clown
She can see a little clearer now
She said, "Oh, oh, I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
CHORUS
Like a painted wild mustang
Flyin' out across the open range
Finally gets to live her life that way
No fear, no fences, nobody - no reins
No reins
All she's ever felt is held back
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh"
She's gonna do a lot more of that
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free
Repeat Chorus
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go
Oh-oh which ever way the wind blows
Oh-oh she's learnin' how to let go (learnin' how to let go)

i swear im psychic

so, my uncle died... in the middle of the night. i dont know if he's in a better place or not, and its so tempting to want to say that he is, when i know it's more likely that he's not....

Nevertheless... at least he isnt suffering like he was. im sad i never went to see him but i want to be able to remember him as the man i knew as a child.

well its super hot in my room... so im gonna take a shower and hit the hay.

I just wanna live

My uncle just turned 33... and he's dying. that's right, he is dying and there's no doubt about it. he's 13 years older than me, the only boy of 5 kids, and a father of 3. Can you even freaking imagine? I know I can't. I mean it seems like we're all going to live to grow old and wrinkly, but that's not the case for my Uncle Ray. See, he has terminal lung cancer... only it has spread from his lungs to the majority of his body. It's just days now.

My uncle and I were really close when I was little. I remember him always being nice to me, and giving me treats when mom wasnt looking. He was just a really fun guy. of course, over time we grew apart cuz my mom married my dad and Uncle Ray married Mary... I remember when he went away to boot camp, we had this party at his house and for some reason I was convinced he was going away to some war. of course we werent in Iraq then, so it made little sense but nonetheless....

I still cant grasp the idea that come next week, the odds of him being alive are slim and even if he is still holding on he's in intense pain. He is going to die, and someday I'm going to too.

Honestly, I know this may be blasphemous, but I told God how I felt about it... I'm not sure I want Jesus to come back too soon... there's so much I wanna do. I want to sky dive, bungy jump, travel to almost everywhere, get married, have a family, have grandkids, buy a home, live in the city, live in the country, start a ministry and the list goes on.

And yet, I put these things off with hopes of tomorrow. but tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I could die in my sleep or on the way to work tomorrow... so why am i not living my life to the fullest?

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind. To do all the things I want to in the little time I'm here involves very little planning and a huge amount of courage and spontaneity. There's no time for heartbreak or fear. Maybe I just need to say, "Screw it" and buy those plain tickets to Europe or ask that certain someone out to dinner.

My only hope is that when I am called home to be with my God, I can look at him and say I used the time you gave me to do all I could and serve you with all I had within me. If nothing else, I want to be able to say that I made a difference in at least one person.

She's standing tall, she's got it all, got the world at her heels

I've come to realize:

Best friends will be there no matter how long its been since you talked

Money is temporary; an abundance of it is an oxymoron

Work is overrated; laziness is underrated

Music is a direct link to any soul

You can tell my mood of the day based on the genre im listening to

The heart is a fragile muscle... Broken easily, and mended over a long amount of time

Love is a horrible prank our mind plays on us.... often we think its love when its just convenience
and habit

Sleep is a distant memory

I miss Cleveland, Tennessee and all its little-ness.

I love living in the city and its diversity

I'm tired of being uncertain.

I want to be held for a good 2 1/2 minutes

I want to be kissed without warning by someone im interested in

I need books to survive real life

People surprise me sometimes... and its refreshing

Im crushing on the idea of a crush.

I miss my cat.... more now than ever

Relationships ruin friendships

If you're not careful, you'll fall for someone before you can guard your heart

Bad boys are hot...but good guys are dateable

I live for adrenaline rushes and excitement

Spontaneity is a necessity for happiness

Laughter shows in your cheeks and eyes... so does love

It's the sweetest feeling to be truly adored by someone

This body is temporary... this soul is not

You only live once; stop being so cautious and freaking LIVE